Why Do We Need Lard on Lines? – The Emotional Roots of Weight Gain

Jan 29, 2024

Why do we gain extra kilos, and why can't we shed them? Why do we feel like we grow two sizes even from the spit we swallow?

Often, the reasons we suddenly start to gain weight and can't lose it, even with a drastic diet, are emotional. The layer of fat stored on our body might be a result of trying to suppress something, but it can also serve a physical function, like pushing our physical boundaries further out or protecting us.

Often, In my experience, when we feel we can't protect ourselves physically or emotionally from something or we are unable to defend our boundaries, we set a physical "barrier" for those overstepping in the form of an extra ten or twenty kilos. However, this usually doesn't solve the problems, but at that moment, we can't find a better solution.

It's also possible that someone won't admit to themselves if they no longer love their husband or wife, and to avoid intimate situations with them, they'd rather gain weight. There can be many reasons for obesity as a symptom, so it's worth finding out the cause before starting a serious diet or buying a bunch of expensive diet pills.

The most common reasons of gaining weight include:

Overeating due to suppressing painful emotions – e.g., grief, loss, jealousy
Lack of emotional or life energy, which we mistakenly replace with food and drink instead of silence, sports, meditation, etc.
Weak or non-existent boundary defense – e.g., when we can't say no

Fear of becoming attractive when slim, thinking that the increased attention from the opposite sex might tempt us to leave our partner and thereby "blow up" the family
Intention to avoid intimate relationships
Fear of men, either due to transgenerational traumas or personal experience
Fear of having children and thus avoiding intimate relationships ("Causes of Infertility")
Overeating due to a desire to suppress guilt
Suppressing the emotional effects of trauma – e.g., after molestation, the victim tries to suppress the shame, disgust (“How to Begin Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse?”)
Hormonal imbalance due to some transgenerational trauma or previous personal experience
Depression (“Depression – Why ‘Pull Yourself Together’ Doesn’t Work” and “Depression – The Rejection of Life Energy”)
Self-esteem issues (“Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences”)
Too many compromises, living not according to our values and compensating by overeating (“Life on the Edge of the Comfort Zone”)
Entanglement with an ancestor with a difficult fate (“What are transgenerational traumas, and how the challenging fates of our ancestors influence our lives today?”)

Whatever the underlying cause of obesity, we're better off finding out before investing a lot of energy and money into dieting, otherwise we will get demotivated very fast and our initial results won’t last.

Here are some useful questions that can help clarify the causes:

When did I start to gain weight?
What happened around that time? Exams? Divorce? Increased stress at the workplace? New relationship? Tension with a relative?
How did I feel at the time? Nervous? Fearful? Angry? Disgusted? Defenseless?
When I crave snacks or extra food what feeling I try to push down with the food?
What does the fat layer protect me from?
Are there unacknowledged feelings?

Once we figure out the answers to the questions above, we can finally address the real problem instead of trying symptomatic treatment, and we might even feel a strong surge of energy to motivate us to change. Family constellation, introspection, kinesiology, and many other therapies, or even a simple introspection based on the questions above, can help us find the reasons and solve the problem behind obesity.

Here is a useful tip that worked for me and many of my clients:

I often get asked, “What should one do when suddenly struck with an intense food craving? When you just have to have the entire chocolate bar and even some chips too?”

Well, I have my days when this happens as well. In my experience, if I can resist the temptation of that delicious chocolate bar or those crispy chips, I usually discover within an hour or two the underlying feeling I was trying to suppress. Sometimes it's pain, other times frustration or anger. The key is, if I can identify the emotion, I can sit with it—cry or shout—until I feel its hold on me weakening. Once I've processed the emotion, the food craving disappears, and I feel much calmer.

I won't claim to resist temptation every time, but I succeed more often than not. The next time you desperately crave that chocolate bar, give this technique a try! It's worth it. As you empty the overflowing emotional tank that causes the food cravings, you'll find that over time, you experience these cravings less and less.

– Eszter

Eszter’s Weekly Elephant

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