How to Begin Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse?

Many have approached me regarding the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse they grapple with. The effects can be manifold, often tracing back to this type of trauma in ways one wouldn’t initially realize.

Among the adult consequences of childhood sexual abuse are:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder

• Panic attacks

• Obesity

• Sexual issues (shame regarding physical intimacy or overly liberal sexuality)

• Constant attention-seeking with sexual undertones (incessant flirting, even when inappropriate, e.g., in a work environment)

• Binge eating

• Unwarranted intense anger towards male partners

• Inexplicable outbursts of anger

• A deeply-seated simmering rage

• Self-esteem issues

• Problems setting boundaries, etc.

The crux of the matter is, unless we process what happened to us, the effects of trauma will, in one way or another, sour our lives.

So, how can we process our experiences?

As I always emphasize, the insights shared here aren’t professional psychological advice but distilled from my experiences about techniques that worked most effectively with my clients. Everyone should try them at their own discretion, if one believes they could be beneficial. Seeking psychological counseling can also be beneficial in processing trauma.

Returning to the methods I’ve found effective, I’ve discerned that sexual abuse has three components that trouble everyone:

1.

The feeling of powerlessness due to boundary violations, where the child feels forced into doing or allowing what the adult desires. Due to unprocessed trauma, the victims later struggle to defend their boundaries effectively.

2.

Shame about what transpired. Deep down, every child knows that what happens during sexual abuse isn’t right, leading to feelings of shame. This buried shame later causes chronic self-worth issues. This is exacerbated when the child physically derives pleasure from the abuse, yet emotionally feels the situation is impure. This contradiction further confuses feelings related to sexuality and self-worth.

3.

In cases of unprocessed sexual trauma, the responsibility and shame never shift to where they truly belong — on the perpetrator’s shoulders. Consequently, the child may partly or wholly bear it, carrying this burden potentially for a lifetime. If the abuser is the father or stepfather, the complexity deepens, as the mother, who should have seen the signs, fails to protect the child. This leads to latent resentment towards the mothers well.

The pressing issue is how to unearth these suppressed feelings left unprocessed in the child and how to start dealing with them. The effects of sexual abuse won’t just fade away but will keep causing more and more issues.

What effective methods are there to unearth buried feelings?

During my work with clients, I’ve observed an immeasurable rage within adults who were sexually abused in their childhood. This anger can move mountains, but it’s merely a secondary emotion.

We must liberate ourselves from it, letting it go so that we can access and heal the underlying emotions. Just like with a pressure cooker, first you need to release the steam to get to the delicacies cooked inside.

How can we vent this anger?

Generally, I’ve identified two methods to safely vent rage. Out of these, the second one seems to be more effective for those who have endured sexual abuse.

The first method

involves recalling the memory of the abuse, grabbing a pillow, and then hitting a couch, wall, or door with it. At first, it might feel strange to “rage” in this way, as society often frowns upon such displays. However, remember that this anger tends to erupt from within us in other contexts anyway, often misdirected at traffic, an annoying colleague, our spouse, or our children. Isn’t it much better to release it in a safe way, sparing others?

Keep hitting with the pillow until you’re physically exhausted, and until deeper, more agonizing feelings like pain, despair, shame, and other distressing emotions emerge. When they do, allow them to flow out — whether through tears or shouting. Take your time and don’t rush the process. Let every curse and tear flow freely.

The second method

is more effective because it involves another male participant, who merely by virtue of his gender can help evoke memories of the perpetrator. It is crucial to choose a man in whom one has absolute trust, knowing he won’t misuse the shared information or emotions. Another important aspect is that this man should be physically strong, as the intensity of the anger that will emerge may surprise both parties.

Once the right partner is found, the next step is to stand facing each other in a spacious room, extending arms shoulder-high and pressing palms against each other. The victim should then recall their abuser and begin pushing against the other’s palms with all their might. The goal is to channel all their rage towards the abuser through this push.

The partner’s role is to resist the force, although this often proves challenging. If the victim manages to push the partner back, or if the pair needs to reset their positions, it’s okay. Continue this until the anger peaks, maybe even to the point of shouting phrases or curses that one would like to direct to the abuser, like “You had no right!”, “I hate you!”, or other similar sentiments.

The idea is to finally let these feelings and statements out instead of letting them eat away at us from within. The session should continue until tears flow, revealing the buried emotions beneath the anger. By then, exhaustion will likely set in, but that’s alright. Allow yourself to cry and take as much time as needed.

After releasing these buried feelings using either method, it’s beneficial to sit on the ground, so we feel small, and visualize the abuser in front of you. If you believe someone else was aware of the abuse but ignored it, visualize them too.

Address the abuser with the following statements:

“You had no right to do this to me. I felt immense shame and pain. The responsibility and shame for what happened are entirely yours. I am pure.”

Try to feel what the abuser might be feeling now. Do they take responsibility? Do they feel the shame? Do they regret their actions? If yes, then you’ve made a significant step toward healing.

Now, visualize the adult who you believe knew about your ordeal but did nothing, and tell them:

“You knew what was happening and didn’t protect me. This hurt me deeply. I return your share of responsibility and shame. I am pure.”

Afterwards, try to sense what this person feels, just as we did in the previous case.

The healing process is not quick, but from my experience, the methods mentioned above can act as an effective catalyst. After carrying out the steps mentioned, give yourself time and observe any changes in your everyday life.

Do feelings related to the abuse still emerge? If so, feel them deeply and then let them go. Are we snacking less? Are panic attacks less frequent? Has the inexplicable anger towards our spouse ceased or reduced? Are we better at setting boundaries, etc.?

If we notice any kind of change, it indicates that the healing process has started. If we feel the need, we should seek a therapist to help us process the emerging emotions.

– Eszter

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