Depression — The Rejection of Life Energy
How can we regain our life energy when we are depressed?
As I previously mentioned in the article “Depression — Why “Pull Yourself Together” Doesn’t Work,” the opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality. That is the state in which we feel capable of meeting life’s challenges, handling the problems that arise, and accomplishing our daily tasks. During this time, we might be in a good mood or a bad one, feel frustrated or satisfied, but the essence is that we have enough energy. Here, I am specifically referring to emotional energy.
According to Bert Hellinger’s observations, who is the inventor of family constellation therapy, the most common cause of depression is the rejection of one or both parents. Since we receive life energy through our parents, the extent to which we reject them is the extent to which we lack energy.
Life events such as losses, failures, and other difficulties can contribute to the onset of depression. For a while, we “get by” with less than normal energy, but as our lives progress and we grapple with more negative situations, our emotional energy reserves slowly get depleted.
Most people aren’t even aware that they don’t truly accept or respect their parents. This often only comes to light during family constellation therapy. Deep down, many harbor resentments towards their parents; after all, no parent understands and meets their child’s needs perfectly at every moment. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.
Furthermore, children often perceive situations differently than adults, so events that adults consider insignificant can leave deep scars on children. It’s easier for those whose parents largely met their childhood needs than for those who were cruelly treated, molested, or neglected. (More about basic childhood needs in “Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences”) Regardless of how our childhood was, we harm ourselves if we do not reach a point of respecting and accepting our parents. I know that many might recoil at this statement, wondering how anyone could expect them to respect and accept parents who abused, humiliated, starved, or tormented them for years. Well, there’s an essential distinction to be understood here, which can help if one seeks change after such a challenging childhood.
You don’t have to accept what the parent did nor do you have to love them (though during family constellation therapy, it often emerges that even the most cruel parents are deeply loved by their children). What needs to be accepted is the fact that due to our individual destinies, they are our parents and through them, we receive life, not from them, but through them. Regarding respect, we should at least recognize that they came into the family system before us and therefore, in layman’s terms, they are above us in the hierarchy.
If we genuinely feel both acceptance and respect in our hearts, there’s a sudden surge of life energy, offering a chance of recovering from depression. Hellinger’s stance might sound strict, but a prerequisite for healing is letting go of the victim mentality. This is not easy, especially if we have been stuck in it for decades and often it requires plenty of introspection and work on ourselves.
Quick introspection:
Close your eyes and imagine both your mother and father standing in front of you as a way to quickly assess how you perceive your parents. Consider the following questions:
Do they appear taller and bigger than you, or do they seem smaller?
Are they of the same height, or is one taller than the other?
If the parents appear smaller than you, it might indicate that you reject them. If one parent appears smaller than the other, this could suggest that you have a judgment or bias towards that particular parent.
Releasing the judgment and grudge we hold against our parents often takes a long time, and as I have mentioned before, in severe cases of depression, psychotherapy is essential. Before signing up for family constellation therapy, always consult with a psychologist or psychiatrist! If they deem the patient suitable for trying family constellations, it’s worth a shot.
– Eszter
Related Articles
Depression — Why “Pull Yourself Together” Doesn’t Work
Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences
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