Depression — Why “Pull Yourself Together” Doesn’t Work

Depression is the “family’s shared secret” that occurs in almost every family, yet no one likes to talk about it. To find our way out of the darkness ourselves or to help our loved one heal, it’s worth knowing a few things about it.

I often hear from family members and friends when they talk about someone with depression that it’s time for that person to pull themselves together. They don’t understand why people with depression can’t make it to work on time, why taking out the trash or showering is a problem.

To many, depression is still seen as a luxury of the idle, something that strikes when one has nothing better to do. After all, someone who’s struggling to survive and working doesn’t have time to be depressed, right?

Moreover, often we don’t see major tragedies from the outside in a depressed person’s life. They have a job, a somewhat acceptable relationship, maybe children, so we don’t understand why they’re sad. However, we must remember that we’re dealing with a disease — a mental illness, not appendicitis. No one regards appendicitis as a luxury; similarly, we shouldn’t treat depression as such.

This leads us to another widespread misconception: that the opposite of depression is happiness. However, since nobody is constantly happy, by this logic, anyone not displaying happiness could be labeled as depressed. Yet, many believe only the ‘weak’ succumb to such feelings.

Unfortunately, I must disillusion those who think this way. The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. We are talking about the energy that makes showering or buttering a slice of bread not seem as daunting as conquering the Himalayas. If we want to understand how a person with depression feels when they have to get up, think about how we’d feel embarking on a peak conquest at 8000 meters after an exhausting day at work. This exact fatigue and hopelessness is what a person with depression feels when holding their toothbrush in front of the mirror. While it might seem like an exaggeration, it isn’t.

So, let’s try to be a bit more empathetic and avoid saying things like “Find yourself!” or “Pull yourself together!” or “Just do it, and it will work!” Because it doesn’t. Believe me, no one enjoys spending 45 minutes just mustering the strength to take out the trash, or sitting in a dark room all day feeling powerless.

Another important point to reconsider about depression, highlighted by Andrew Solomon, is the potential of alternative therapies in treating depression. He mentioned in a lecture that he realized depression is a disease of how we feel. This is different from, say, a brain tumor. If you tell a patient with a brain tumor that standing on their head for 20 minutes a day will make them feel better, it will only improve their mood. It’s important, but the tumor remains and they could still die. However, if a person with depression stands on their head for 20 minutes and feels better, they’re cured. That’s why, Solomon says, he became much more open to all kinds of alternative therapies that, according to the experiences of people with depression, are effective.

Depression can have many causes. Many doctors, therapists, and biochemists have approached it in various ways. I’m neither a doctor nor a psychologist nor a psychiatrist, but based on what I’ve observed, I think the soul becomes exhausted and we need to find the reason for this.

This exhaustion can then cause physical changes, like hormonal changes, which can exacerbate the symptoms. The apparent immediate cause — grief, job loss, trauma, etc. — is often just the last straw. Everyone must decide for themselves where to turn with symptoms of depression, but they will surely need the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist. In addition to that, I recommend not forgetting methods like craniosacral therapy, family constellations, and Theta-floating, through which the subconscious and the soul can efficiently communicate with us about the real problem.

– Eszter

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