Whom Should I Be Loyal To? — Choosing Between Our Parents and Our Partner

Many couples grapple with the challenge of one partner’s parents exerting a significant influence in their lives, often resulting in compromises being imposed on the other. Whether it’s decisions related to leisure time, parenting choices, or even seemingly trivial matters like how to serve holiday soup, it’s often the mother-in-law or father-in-law who takes charge.

This constant criticism, the reevaluation of the couple’s lifestyle and choices, and the imposition of parental control can quickly poison a relationship. Individuals whose boundaries were consistently crossed by their parents during childhood, those who were denied the opportunity to make even the smallest decisions, may find it difficult as adults to set limits on their parents’ interference.

If we’ve chosen such a partner, it’s crucial to understand that the process of detaching from parents doesn’t happen overnight, but it is indeed possible.

The significance and influence of the family of origin on one’s life should diminish as they embark on their adult journey and form romantic relationships. If this transition doesn’t occur, the romantic partner may feel as though there are three or four people in the relationship, and they might miss true commitment from the other. The absence of genuine commitment can lead to serious problems in the relationship.

It’s important to note that if someone chooses a partner who lets parents interfere in the relationship, it often indicates their own commitment issues; only half-hearted partners would be willing to tolerate a partner who is only half heartedly in the relationship.

But how do we navigate the choice between our parents and our partner?

The partner who grapples with setting boundaries with their parents often presents the question above, laden with the expectation of failure and looming conflicts. (More about boundaries in “Border defense.”) However, the situation is both more straightforward and more intricate than it may initially seem. It’s simpler because we need not make an exclusive choice; it’s more complex because we must mature, overcome our apprehensions about our parents, and gradually detach from them.

During this transformative process, our parents will always remain just that — our parents, and our loyalty to them remains intact. Nevertheless, as adults, we are tasked with crafting our own lives, complete with our unique set of rules and boundaries. If we opt for different principles than those they instilled, that is not just acceptable but encouraged. Our loyalty isn’t demonstrated by simply replicating their lives; it’s shown by wholeheartedly acknowledging them as our parents. After all, if we perpetually mimicked our ancestors’ lives, humanity would still be harvesting fruit from trees, and progress would remain stagnant.

This acknowledgment, however, is not always easy, as we often carry grudges and painful feelings towards our parents. Nonetheless, it holds immense significance, not only for creating a happy romantic relationship but also for overcoming pain, frustration, lack of success, financial problems, and so on. The rule of thumb is that what we consciously dismiss, we unconsciously replicate in our lives.

The parent-adult child relationship should resemble that of two ordinary adults, founded on the principles of respect and mutual boundary acknowledgment. It’s crucial that neither the parent nor the child react with offense or engage in manipulation when, for example, one of them declines something. It’s impermissible to exert control over each other’s lives, just as it’s inappropriate to criticize the partner chosen by the other, regardless of whether they are a “step-parent,” daughter-in-law, or son-in-law.

However, until this new equilibrium is firmly established, conflicts will inevitably arise within the romantic relationship. One partner may fail to recognize when their parents are encroaching on their boundaries, which affects the other partner as well, while the latter sees this clearly, causing discomfort and fueling conflicts in the relationship.

These conflicts, though they might initially resemble common relationship issues, run much deeper than the surface of the romantic partnership itself. While the romantic relationship acts as the battleground, the true wellspring of conflict lies in the absence of boundaries between the parent and the grown-up child. Addressing these conflicts solely by managing the romantic relationship won’t lead to resolution. The focus should instead shift to the relationship between the partner who allows excessive parental involvement and their family of origin. Only when healthy boundaries are established within this context can the relationship start to find a path toward resolution.

It’s essential to understand that during this process, conflicts between the parents and the adult child can arise. This can be deeply distressing for the adult child and might unearth buried fears. The partner must be understanding and supportive throughout this process if they hope for the relationship to endure.

Additionally, one mustn’t overlook the other partner’s relationship with their own parents and their perspective on the romantic relationship. It’s often evident that they’ve chosen a partner with commitment issues because they too face fears of commitment for various reasons.

When both individuals in the couple are dedicated to making a change, progress can occur relatively swiftly, resulting in the reward of a robust, thriving relationship built on solid foundations. Additionally, their ability to establish boundaries will also prove more effective in various other aspects of life, whether in the workplace, while handling administrative tasks, or within their child’s school environment.

– Eszter

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