Sending Only Our Emotional Surrogates to Our Relationships?

In the movie “Surrogates,” people sent robots into the world instead of themselves, which they controlled remotely. This way, they shielded themselves from harm. Do we also send only our emotional stand-ins into our relationships?

The film “Surrogates,” starring Bruce Willis, was released in 2009. In this movie, everyday life was conducted by robots on behalf of humans, allowing individuals to control these robots from the safety of their homes. The robots were all attractive and youthful, and they could be operated by people of any age or appearance.

However, at the end of the film, everyone emerged from their homes and saw the wrinkles, hunched backs, and the extra twenty years gained by their fellow humans. The world was no longer as aesthetically pleasing, but it had become genuine. People could finally connect with each other after a long time, free from projecting images onto one another.

It was evident to every viewer of the film that the illusionary world filled with robots did not bring happiness, inner peace, or genuine emotional intimacy. However, we may fail to notice that in our relationships, we often send only our “emotional stand-in.” When one party does this, the other may feel unable to establish a real connection with their partner. It feels as if we are trying to embrace someone sitting in those massive inflatable balls seen at festivals, rolling down a hill. They have their own world inside the ball, which we cannot access. These individuals do not truly connect with anyone, and if we exert physical effort to enter their plastic sphere, they just roll away. Usually, over time, problems arise in the relationship, including difficulties in intimacy, commitment, and eventually, our home feels more like a hotel where two strangers have been placed in a room due to an administrative error.

If both partners send only their emotional stand-ins into the relationship, one can imagine how deeply two people sitting in massive plastic balls can connect!

By avoiding emotional intimacy, we may protect ourselves from harm, but the price we pay is immense. When we talk to elderly individuals or examine research on the subject, such as the world’s longest study on happiness, we always see the same thing: deep and loving human relationships are fundamental components of a happy life. However, those enclosed in plastic spheres are incapable of such connections.

How do we recognize if we are sitting in the middle of a plastic ball?

For instance, we can ask ourselves if we can stand in front of our partner with the following statements:

Instead of saying, “I have nothing to wear,” we say, “I feel overweight and unattractive today, so I’d rather not go out with our friends tonight because I won’t feel good about myself.”

Instead of saying, “That potential client I quoted is an idiot; he keeps asking questions instead of placing an order,” we say, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to make enough money for the family, so what if this year, we only go on a long weekend trip?”

Instead of saying, “I always have to do everything around the house!” we say, “I’m exhausted, and I feel incapable of meeting all these expectations. I can’t be a perfect wife, homemaker, businesswoman, and mother all at once though only feel valuable and useful when I meet all these expectations.”

Instead of saying, “I never have any peace at home!” we say, “I felt really hurt when my boss openly humiliated me in front of the whole office. It makes me feel very stressed and worthless. I need some time alone.”

If we cannot articulate our true feelings, if we cannot show vulnerability to our partner, then we are not being ourselves in the relationship, and we are not addressing the real issue either.

By doing this, we make two mistakes:

We exclude the other person who feels that what we are saying is not true and subconsciously rejects it. Every man knows that the statement “I don’t have a single piece of clothing” cannot be true because usually, all closets are filled with women’s clothes, just as a woman feels that the problem is not when a client asks two more questions before signing a contract.

Our relationships, which stir up emotions within us, actually reveal a lot about ourselves. If we conceal the true feelings that a situation triggers, we cut ourselves off from the possibility of change and growth. For example, by examining our body image or addressing the self-esteem shattered by a single sentence from the boss, we can identify the causes of our insecurities and work on them for the sake of our own balance.

Of course, it’s worth sharing our feelings only with those who approach us with respect and love. There will certainly be times when we confide in someone unworthy of our trust, but we learn from those experiences too. In time, we will realize that the emotional injuries caused by such relationships do much less harm to us than the invisible but impenetrable protective shell that eventually kills even the most vibrant relationship.

– Eszter

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