Relationships — A Personalized Training Program

It’s particularly true in relationships that they tend to push the very buttons that cause the most pain. As challenging as it may be, this is useful because it gives us a chance to heal those wounds.

The cornerstone of human society is the family, typically commencing with a romantic relationship that may culminate in marriage. Subsequently, if all unfolds as planned, the family evolves with the welcome addition of children.

A robust romantic bond between two mature individuals constitutes the bedrock of a harmonious family life. With this foundation securely in place, the odds increase that the children raised within such a family won’t encounter the challenges of divorce, the dilemma of choosing between parents, or the burden of taking responsibility for one or both parents.

However, the sobering divorce statistics reveal that establishing a well-functioning marriage is far from the effortless resolution often depicted in Hollywood films, where a couple’s struggles tend to miraculously vanish upon their union.

Of course, there can be various reasons for the high divorce rates, including factors like the increasing independence of women in more advanced societies, reducing their dependence on men, and a growing societal acceptance of divorce.

Regardless of these reasons, one thing is certain: couples start contemplating divorce when their romantic relationship deteriorates.

The question is, what leads to this deterioration, and how can it be changed so that relationship problems result in growth, better mutual understanding, and not divorce?

I believe that self-discovery, introspection, family constellation, and many other self-awareness methods can provide effective assistance in this process. While it can’t be guaranteed that working on oneself will inevitably fix a marriage, I do think that without self-awareness work and change, a romantic relationship is doomed.

Often, we are not fully aware of our own needs and expectations, leading us to choose partners who fit the programs set by our family system rather than partners who are truly compatible with our authentic selves.

In such cases, we have two choices:

1.

Either we begin working on ourselves to understand our own expectations and what genuinely makes us happy

2.

Or we resign ourselves to a lifetime of unhappiness in a relationship that fulfills our family system’s expectations but not our own. If we embark on the journey of self-awareness work and are fortunate enough to have a partner willing to evolve with us, then there’s a chance for a truly happy romantic relationship.

Unconscious Expectations

When we enter a romantic relationship, we unintentionally expect our partner to “love us the way our parents never could.” In other words, we project onto them the expectations and deficiencies that developed within us due to our parents’ inability to fulfill our childhood needs.

These needs typically include:

• Unconditional love

• Care and provision

• Physical touch and intimacy

• Praise and recognition

• Attention and quality time

At the beginning of a relationship, there is a period during which the exchange of love, care, and filling each other’s “tanks” works effectively. For example, someone who received little praise and recognition during childhood finds their partner’s compliments highly important and healing.

However, as time goes on, the routine of daily life takes over, demanding both partners to deal with other matters and to maintain their individual identities. This natural distancing leads to spending less time together, allocating less energy to each other, and, in turn, problems start to emerge. Compliments become infrequent, and the one who previously lacked praise becomes uncertain about their worth.

This uncertainty often unearths the pain we carried from childhood, stemming from a lack of recognition. Suddenly, heated arguments erupt in the relationship, often revolving around entirely different issues, like a partner’s failure to surprise or the perpetual toilet seat mishap.

In such moments, it becomes clear that the current problem isn’t the real issue; rather, it’s the sensation of not receiving the attention we yearned for in childhood. It’s important to remember that healing our childhood wounds isn’t something our partner can undertake; it falls squarely on our shoulders. The love we missed from our parents can’t be substituted by anyone else.

When we recognize that our feelings of uncertainty and pain trace back to unresolved childhood wounds and we’re willing to explore the aspects we lacked, as mentioned earlier, we can more effectively address conflicts in the present. This is because, firstly, we can articulate our genuine needs to our partner and, secondly, we can begin replenishing our emotional reservoirs that were left wanting.

As Thomas Schafer writes, ‘The purpose of every relationship is to point out those unhealed emotional wounds that we brought with us from our family of origin.’

It’s especially true in relationships that they tend to push the very ‘buttons’ that cause the most pain. As challenging as it may be, this is useful because it gives us a chance to heal our wounds.

Therefore, a romantic relationship functions like a personalized training program, stimulating our immune system to heal our wounds and become resilient in areas where we previously weren’t.

– Eszter

---

Related Articles

---

Home | Notes | Articles | Eszter’s Magic | Literary Bonbons | Short Stories and Guides | Beyond the Book | EWE Issues | Archive | About