Can Assertiveness be Learned? Or Not?

What is the reason that, even after learning a plethora of assertive techniques, we are still unable to implement them in practice?

Assertiveness is a behavior that allows a person to confidently assert their own interests while also taking into account the interests of others. This is done without resorting to aggression or passivity and without unconditional submission to the interests of another. In order to behave assertively, it’s crucial to clearly express our desires without getting sidetracked by emotions or beating around the bush. It also helps if we come across as confident and calm, both in our posture and in our voice. Most sources claim that assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. This is true, but only under certain conditions.

These conditions are:

We can clearly articulate to ourselves what we want or how we feel. For that we need to be connected to our genuine feelings.

We are capable of expressing to others what we want or feel without intense fear rooted in childhood experiences.

We are capable of setting our boundaries clearly and firmly.

If we are adept at the above three, we will likely find it easy to learn techniques and phrases to behave assertively. After that, it’s just a matter of practice. Yet, many feel they can’t behave or communicate assertively despite reading numerous books on the topic and attending various trainings. In these cases, the solution is not to delve deeper into mastering assertive behavior but to identify which condition we’re failing to meet.

Those who, in their childhood, were constantly concerned with the well-being of their parents or those who were neglected, or had a traumatic childhood (e.g., growing up with a parent suffering from addiction, mental or physical illness, or enduring abuse and deprivation traumas) learned that their needs and feelings don’t matter. Children in such environments suppress their feelings and prioritize the parent’s needs above their own. As adults, they might struggle to recognize what they truly want or feel. Clearly communicating feelings and desires can be quite challenging, and the first step is learning to listen to one’s inner voice. For this you can find useful tips in my article titled “Fairy Tale Game.”

The first step, therefore, is to recognize our feelings and desires. The best approach is to allow ourselves quiet moments to tune into our inner voice. It’s ideal to do this regularly, especially when facing significant decisions. Over time and with practice, this inner voice will become louder, leading to better self-awareness. Once we have discovered our feelings and desires, the next step is learning to express them clearly.

Many children grow up feeling that, even though they are aware of their emotions, desires, and personality, they can’t express them. These children adopt a role that they play within the family, filtering out emotions and desires based on what’s deemed acceptable. They practically wear a mask because they feel they don’t have the right to express their genuine selves. If we behave differently in daily life than we do within our family, it’s worth reflecting on which parts of ourselves we hide and why. We need to understand why we hide our true selves and pinpoint the specific constraints that guide our actions. Simply listing and categorizing the instances when we acted or spoke differently within our family than what we truly felt can help reveal the contours of the role we’ve assumed.

Finally, there’s the matter of boundary defense. Many adults who have experienced traumatic or deprivation-filled childhoods lack an adequate boundary defense system. From their childhood, they’ve grown accustomed to having their boundaries overstepped. In cases of physical or emotional abuse, this is a gross violation of boundaries. But if a child becomes used to this, they consider it normal later on. They learn to suppress their anger and normalize the behavior of adults. As an adult, they will do precisely the same thing.

When their boss asks them to work through the weekend again, they sigh and submit to his will. They might be aware that they don’t want this. They might even timidly mention that they had plans to travel, but in the end, they still nod in agreement. In order to defend our boundaries, we need to internally feel that we have the right to establish them. A tough, traumatic childhood robs the child of this sensation — the right to their own boundaries. Even events that do not seem directly related to boundary defense, or that don’t appear as drastic as physical abuse, can affect our ability to be assertive. Learn more about this topic in my article titled “Border Defense.”

Regaining the feeling that we have the right to set boundaries doesn’t happen overnight, but it is solvable. And it’s vital that we solve it!

The main point is this: If we’re reading the twentieth book on assertiveness and know the techniques by heart, yet still can’t apply them in practice, we shouldn’t berate ourselves! We should identify the root cause. Once that’s resolved, applying what we’ve learned becomes easy.

– Eszter

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