Guide: Masquerade Ball
For each short story we have created a guide that elaborates on the subject/conflict of the story and offers some more insights about the topic. The guide also offers a quick exercise that helps the reader examine their relationship with the subject and see themselves more clearly.
We recommend reading the short story first, you can find it here:
So let’s dive in!
The "Masquerade Ball" was the first short story I wrote. At that time, I was deeply preoccupied with who I really am. Fortunately, due to an unfortunate event, I had two years in my life (referenced in the article “Grief — The Emotional Mariana Trench”) when I could spend a lot of time with myself, which initiated a purification process that later took on more serious dimensions through various self-awareness trainings and techniques.
Over the years, I realized that who we truly are is not as straightforward as we might think. People often mindlessly repeat descriptors about themselves, considered to be true, which were ingrained in them during their childhood by the expectations of caregivers and different traumas. Besides those attributes, most of us strive to embody things that we have found satisfying or even praiseworthy from the adults and peers we depended on in some way – parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, friends, teammates, etc. External expectations, our own traumas, and the judgments derived from them, as well as emulating the characteristics of highly regarded people, are the most common ways in which the picture of ourselves takes shape.
Somewhere toward the end of our twenties, there comes a point when the roles we have played, like professional actors for our audience (family, friends, colleagues), start to chafe here and there. The short story "Masquerade Ball" precisely addresses this period when playing adopted, but not genuine roles, requires such a tremendous effort that if one refuses to reevaluate them, they collapse under their weight.
Magdaléna stubbornly clings to her adopted roles, although it's apparent from the story that this stubbornness stems not so much from obstinacy anymore as from a lethargic, hopeless state that occurs when we are unable to change in due time, thus losing our vitality.
It's exactly like when a car runs out of gas because we chose and stubbornly stuck to a route where no gas stations can be found. Eventually, the fuel runs out, and we have to turn back, but it's much harder to get back on the path where we can refuel, pushing a dead car, than if we had turned back earlier when we still had some fuel. Eventually, the fuel runs out, and we have to turn back, but it's much harder to get back onto the path where fuel can be found, pushing a dead car, than if we had turned back earlier when we still had some fuel.
What Magdaléna is hoping for is a big question. Clearly, at her age, she cannot expect to drag out her life in this way, as she is still very young. I think she, just like many of us, is like the frog from the tale that did not realize the rising temperature of the water it was sitting in until it got cooked. However, it would have jumped out immediately if it had been dropped into hot water long before it reached boiling point. When Magdaléna realizes what all the compromises and the vast amount of suppression she inflicts on herself every day entail, it's already too late.
Few people know that a lot of anger and rage accumulate in many depressed individuals. The depression, the lack of vitality, comes exactly from the fact that so much life energy is lost in preventing the often justified anger from bursting out unexpectedly, that there is no energy left for anything else. When someone gets used to suppressing themselves, to not expressing their needs, and gives up hope that their environment would consider their requests if they voiced them, they become increasingly angry each time they say yes instead of no, each time they mask themselves for the sake of others. This anger just accumulates, day by day. After a while, there are two choices left: either change the aspects of life where one doesn't feel good or authentic, or continue to suppress these feelings and eventually become ill in some way.
As we approach the end of our twenties, we often start to feel more confident and independent, and it's usually at this time that we begin to reassess which of the expectations and old roles reflected by our environment we no longer wish to meet. Even if we have the courage to admit to ourselves what works and what has become unbearable, we're not out of the woods yet. Usually, to truly live a life in accordance with our hearts, we must be willing to face numerous conflicts and often take risks. Our family, friends, partners, children, and colleagues have become accustomed to the old us and have fitted us into their own worlds. Just as every character in a play has (his or her) role and lines, if Romeo suddenly started reciting Hamlet's monologue on stage, not only the audience but also the other actors would be confused. The same happens in families, among friends, and at the workplace when we start to change. The question is whether we are able and willing to stand by ourselves or not.
To truly see who we are, what lies in our hearts, we need to let go of many illusions. For example, the illusion of perfection, because while we are perfect as ourselves, we are not flawlessly perfect in the traditional sense, and we all have room to grow.
We must say goodbye to the illusion of being special, because while we are unique as individuals, we are not better than others.
We must accept that despite fooling ourselves into thinking we are unbreakable, this is far from true. We must feel those moments in our lives when we were broken, when our strength left us, when we felt bad, filled with shame, even evil, or insignificant.
Because as long as we don't process these experiences, we are just watching and showing others an endless video of ourselves with a heavy filter, afraid to turn off the filter and examine our true faces. This fake video and the positive comments do not give us any good feeling or energy as we all feel deep within our soul that it is a lie and not being able to live up to that fake picture drains our soul. Moreover, all we do is collect more and more shame and anger with each positive comment we receive, as we strive in vain to become the person depicted in the video.
If we can turn off the filter and take a closer look at the wrinkles formed on our forehead, the slightly too big nose, the too narrow lips, the overly unkempt hair, then we can begin the journey of accepting ourselves.
By letting go of the illusion of unbreakability and acknowledging how many times we have been broken, how many times we have been down, we can then see how much strength resides within us. We are not indestructible; we are warriors who always get back up, but who need time to heal. And maybe the time is now to delve into ourselves and heal our lingering wounds one by one.
By letting go of the illusions of being special, we can see how similar we are to others and at the same time how many colors we have that make us different, not better or more special, just different. Seeing these differences we can find the areas where we can truly create something unique. By being aware of our uniqueness but not specialness we can establish relationships based on mutual respect and appreciation.
By letting go of the illusion of perfection, we can see how much shame, guilt, and regret lie within us. If we can accept ourselves not as perfect but as human, then we will be able to look at others without judgment. And this is the basis of every real human relationship.
However, all this requires us to uncover the dark corners of our soul, to venture in and light a candle there. This is no small task and requires great courage. Whether Magdaléna will be able to do this, I do not know, but if she wants to live the rest of her life healthily and happily, this is her only choice.
In connection with the short story, those who are interested can do a quick self-awareness exercise that helps to see ourselves, our goals, and the motivations behind them more clearly. Here are some interesting questions that, if answered honestly, will make it clearer who we really are and which values truly come from our hearts and which we cling to because of our injuries. Below the questions, you will find some example answers to help guide you in the direction to look for your own answers.
What are the most important values in my life?
My family?
My career?
Being financially independent?
Always being cheerful?
Being someone everyone can rely on?
Being the person everyone turns to in trouble?
Being smarter than others?
Working faster than others?
Being stronger than others?
Being free?
Sacrificing myself for others?
What judgment is associated with this? Whom do I feel superior to by emphasizing this value?
Careerists, because family is the most important to me?
Stay-at-home parents, because my career is the most important?
Women/men who are financially supported, because I am financially independent?
Grumpy colleagues, because I am always cheerful?
Everyone who asks for my help, because I stand on my own two feet?
Those who are slower to understand things?
Those who are physically weaker?
Those who are entangled in a thousand obligations?
Those who live alone without even a dog or a cat?
Why is this value so important to me? Did I arrive at this value due to some injury/trauma, making it one of the most important things in my life?
Is family most important to me because my father left the family and I condemn him for it?
Is career most important because my friend had a child and I don't even have a husband yet, and this way I can feel better than her?
Is financial independence important because my father supported my mother then left her without income? I never want to be in that position.
Do I have to be constantly cheerful because my parents hated it when I was in a bad mood and I learned to always pretend to be happy so that people would accept me?
Do I always have to be the one who helps others because my sibling always hung around my neck in need of help and I condemn them for that? If I needed help, I would feel weak, just like them.
Do I have to be the smartest because if I am the quickest to understand in every group, I'll never be humiliated again as I was by the teacher at school?
Do I need to maintain physical strength because I never want to feel as afraid as I once did when my father used to beat me? Now, I want others to feel a sense of fear due to my physical strength.
Is it because if I am free, then I finally don't have to adapt to anyone, just as I constantly had to in my childhood?
What does my heart say?
If there was no judgment or injury in me, would this value still be so important? If not, what would be important instead?
Such self-awareness thoughts can lead to finding oneself. I hope these questions help to clarify things a bit and take a step towards your true self!
– Eszter
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