Guide: A Plush Teddy's Life
For each short story we have created a guide that elaborates on the subject/conflict of the story and offers some more insights about the topic. The guide also offers a quick exercise that helps the reader examine their relationship with the subject and see themselves more clearly.
We recommend reading the short story first, you can find it here:
In the short story, ”A Plush Teddy's Life," we read about the final period of a relationship, encapsulated in a nutshell. Initially, the story presents Jane living with a plush teddy bear named Jack. For her, this teddy bear serves as an understanding companion who listens to her problems, warms her up, and provides security when needed, but mostly waits patiently for Jane to return home from work. Jane takes for granted the things the teddy bear provides her – a sense of security, understanding, warmth – and not only sidelines the teddy bear for her friends but also later for a colleague, eventually betraying it. This wouldn't be an issue since a plush teddy is not a living being. However, by the end of the short story, it's revealed that Jack only appears as a teddy bear through Jane's eyes; in reality, he is a kind, understanding, patient partner whose virtues Jane no longer sees as valuable.
When it becomes apparent that Jane is cheating on him with a colleague, Jack packs up and leaves her. The dramatic scene in the bathroom suddenly lends the entire story a tremendous weight. The woman's phone, full of messages to her colleague, falls from Jack's hand onto the red bathroom rug. It resembles a bloody knife, symbolizing how Jane metaphorically stabbed the man who loves her. This moment reveals how much Jack truly loved Jane, helping us understand the great loss Jane has suffered, though she is not yet fully aware of it. She only realizes the magnitude of her mistake when her new weekend romance fails, and she returns home disappointed to an empty apartment without Jack.
"A Plush Teddy's Life" makes one reflect on whether they play the role of Jack or Jane in their relationships. It raises questions about which relationships we should have paid, or in luckier cases, should pay more attention to. Who are those in our lives who love us quietly, without any expectations, and for whom we often cut short the time and attention we should give, frequently in favor of those we dread (e.g. an aggressive parent) or are afraid of (e.g. a demanding boss)? Who are those in our lives who don't demand constantly and loudly our attention, time, or love, yet truly deserve it? It also begs the question of how long we think these patient people will tolerate being neglected?
It's equally worthwhile to examine in which relationships we play the role of Jack, the teddy bear. Who are those to whom we wish to connect, but who do not reciprocate our kindness, love, and attention? We must ask ourselves why this person is so important to us if we are not important to them. Are we afraid of being at a disadvantage in some way? Or afraid they might harm us? Is it really love we feel for them, or something else entirely? Are we afraid of them? Do we seek revenge? Do we feel they owe us an apology, love, attention, or even money, and we won't back down until they settle the score?
As for myself, I've played both the roles of Jane and Jack. While the former was more in one or two friendships, the latter was in a romantic relationship. Regardless of the role we've assigned ourselves, we're certainly facing painful experiences and must eventually realize that we need to change ourselves and our perspectives if we want to change the situation.
Regarding the romantic relationship, I had to admit to myself that there were signs in the first few months that I was investing far more energy and attention than I was receiving. After a few years, this difference became so obvious that it couldn't be ignored anymore. Ultimately, leaving the illusion of what the relationship could have been, had it been healthy, proved harder than leaving the person himself.
As for friendships, there were those I did not appreciate enough and let go during more turbulent times in my life, feeling that the attention they required simply didn't fit into my life anymore. It's painful to realize that I could have been wiser, even though I was very young at the time, and that I could have prioritized my energy and attention differently.
From my experience, while we are often forced to maintain many relationships that have latched onto us from early childhood, such as family connections, schoolmates, coaches, and other connections we didn't choose but were given due to common life situations (like relationships with teammates or classmates) or because of family ties, we have little time and energy left for relationships that are truly nourishing and healthy for both parties. Generally, the relationships we feel obligated to maintain, despite having no interest in them, seriously cannibalize those based on healthy foundations and genuine connections. This happens simply because we all more easily take the path of least resistance. For instance, canceling plans with an easily offended grandmother causes much more conflict than canceling on an understanding friend. If we are often too overwhelmed and tired to endure the conflict of avoiding obligatory programs or bothersome expectations, we may find ourselves losing the Jacks in our lives, who we never appreciated and never stood up for in conflicts. At least, we see it as not having done things for them or not having taken on conflicts for them. But we couldn't be more mistaken. Thinking that we only let down the other person is much more comforting than facing what actually happened. In reality, we didn't take on conflicts for ourselves, we turned our backs on ourselves, and as a consequence, we spent our valuable time with unpleasant people in unpleasant situations. Our lives became emptier because we were left by those who made us feel good, who supported, loved, and wanted to be with us. We ended up alone, with relationships that are more suffocating than nurturing, failing to fill us with positive experiences.
When we realize this, we must first confront the fact that we have cowardly turned our backs on ourselves. Due to a lack of solid, deep self-knowledge, we misjudged what or who we really needed, and we need to start examining our existing relationships one by one.
However, before embarking on this journey, we must clarify who we really are, what values we truly hold dear, and which values are not genuinely part of us but have been adopted, similar to how a handyman fills his tool belt, either due to trauma or fear, or in the belief that these values would bring recognition from our environment. (For assistance in this, see the short story "Masquerade Ball" and its accompanying guide.)
Once we have clarified our values, it's time to scrutinize our relationships one by one. Honest answers to the following questions and these few quick exercises can provide useful help:
Who are the ten to fifteen most important people in your life? Family, friends, distant relatives, training partners, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Make a list of them and leave space next to the names for other information!
Who do you genuinely enjoy spending time with? With whom are you together because you feel you have to be? – Separate the names into two lists, one side for those you truly enjoy being with, and the other for those you feel obligated to be with.
Next to each name, write down how much time you spend with them in a month, whether in person or through phone calls or other means of communication. Check to see if you spend more time with those you genuinely want to be with or those in the other group!
If you find yourself spending more time with people you are with out of some obligation, try to write down what you fear if you reduce the number or duration of contacts. Are you afraid of offending them? Afraid of damaging your career? Afraid of being abandoned? Afraid of being ostracized?
After noting your fears regarding each person, examine which risks you are willing to take to free up time/energy for those who are genuinely important. Maybe you can't cancel a tennis match with the boss, but perhaps you can shorten your every-other-day half-hour conversations with a neighbor at the door, even if it offends them a bit. Maybe you can reduce your weekly socializing with colleagues to once a month, freeing up three Friday nights. Perhaps you can replace every other monthly visit to your aunt with a phone call, even if she complains about being neglected, giving yourself an extra afternoon for someone important to you.
Then review the other side of the list and write next to each name what that person enjoys doing, when did you feel they were truly happy with you? When you went horse riding together? When you sat in a cozy café? When you went to the theater together? When you managed to buy them a gift they genuinely loved?
Finally, consider how you can best nurture your truly important relationships with the time and energy freed from the other side of the list. Decide where to go with whom, how to pay more attention to them based on what you wrote down about when you saw them truly happy.
I hope the above helps to see our human relationships a bit more clearly. Let's not forget that it can also happen that someone we visit out of obligation may also be receiving us out of obligation. I've had an experience in my life where I felt I had to maintain a friendship, but the person eventually told me that they had so much in their life at the moment, their family, work, hobbies, old friends, that they simply couldn't fit meaningful time with me into it. To be honest, I respected their honesty, and I also felt relieved. So, it may happen that we also make the other person's life easier if we don't cling to the established situation but honestly discuss changing it.
– Eszter
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