Family Systems on the Relationship Battlefield

Is it possible that on the relationship battlefield, it's not just two individuals clashing but two entire family systems? What should we do when there are serious value differences between us?

Does one see money as an opportunity while the other sees it as security? Is fidelity vital for one, while the other can occasionally share a kiss with someone else? For one, is intoxication a natural part of every party, while the other shies away from drunken people? Is shouting out of the question for one, while the other finds it a natural part of disputes? Does one prioritize family above all, while the other lives for their career or hobbies? Sounds familiar?

Such significant value differences can undermine a relationship over time. Initially, we try to discuss these issues, but later we might avoid the topic and attempt to tolerate the inevitable. This cycle often leads to resentment and eventually, giving up.

It can be frustrating when we can't comprehend why our partner doesn’t consider our perspectives – why they can’t refrain from excessive drinking, allocate more time for the family, or calmly discuss issues.

The dissatisfied partner feels that such adjustments aren't too demanding, so the other should be able to change, especially when the alternative might be losing a loving relationship. However, the real issue isn’t about overcoming a momentary temptation or assuming a temporary challenge. It's much deeper. Sometimes, resisting one more drink, the urge to shout, or one unnecessary purchase for the family’s financial well-being feels manageable. It’s just one evening, one argument, one spending urge. But if the true roots beneath these impulses aren't resolved, the change won’t last for long.

Behind our inability to forego actions that jeopardize something valuable to us, like our cherished relationships, there often lurks a family system law or trauma. We might feel that unless we get utterly drunk, kiss a stranger at a party, or vent our anger by shouting, we aren’t meeting our family’s expectations. Viewed from this perspective, the choice becomes significantly tougher. We’re then torn between our ancestral value system and the shared values we aim to establish with our partner. (Article “Whom Should I Be Loyal To? – Choosing Between Our Parents and Our Partner”) Unless we can healthily distance ourselves from the ingrained beliefs and behaviors that come from our family of origin – which often lead to self-sabotage – we won't manage to change.

It's also worth examining the family system laws governing the other partner's behavior related to the issue at hand. Relationships often confront us with particular challenges for a reason—both partners usually have unresolved issues related to the same topic. (Article “Relationships - A Personalized Training Program”)

For instance, take a husband who consistently becomes excessively drunk at parties and flirts with other women. His behavior might have roots in his family history.

Imagine there was an ancestor who was ostracized and despised for his constant partying and womanizing. From one of these affairs, the husband's ancestor was born. However, because the mother never admitted her infidelity, everyone believed her husband, not the philandering man, was the child's father. In such scenarios, someone in future generations often unconsciously mimics the behavior or fate of the shunned ancestor (the one who impregnated a married woman) as a way to symbolically "remind" the family of their presence. Thus, the husband's drinking and flirting dilemma today can be seen as a subconscious conflict: loyalty to the memory of his true ancestor or loyalty to his wife.

These subconscious ties are more profound and potent than they might initially appear. Our psyche inherently strives for truth and order in our lineage. Since family bonds are sacred, the repercussions of such deceit and ostracism manifest in later generations. A descendant, sooner or later, will act in ways that remind the family of the ostracized member's rightful place in the family tree.

In the given example, the husband does precisely this. Without resolving this deep-seated bond between him and his ancestor, he's unlikely to change his behavior.

Simultaneously, the wife might have to explore any subconscious beliefs or laws within her family related to this issue. Maybe she chose such a partner because her family also had a similar ancestor. However, she didn't embrace the ancestor’s lifestyle but rather the behavior of her family towards the man – the strong judgment.

The crux remains the same: acknowledging and accepting that such ancestors, regardless of their behavior, are part of the family system and giving up the judgement towards them and everyone involved in that old story.

When faced with stubborn and self-destructive behavior patterns, it might be beneficial to seek a couples therapist, family constellation facilitator, or another specialist to help resolve such attachments.

– Eszter

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