Three in a Pair – Infidelity in Relationships
The question has often arisen as to why some individuals require the presence of a third party in every one of their relationships. When the real reason comes to light, those involved are often greatly surprised...
It is important to know that there are certain functions of a relationship that should be attained. Of course, many categorizations of these functions exist. I will recite one that I have found useful when working with clients on their relationships.
Functions of a relationship:
Emotional intimacy - here we talk about the deep emotional connection of two people, not the sexual intimacy, but the intimacy where we are able to share our deepest feelings, thoughts, and we meet with empathy, support, and love.
Physical intimacy - this includes both sexual intimacy and times when we just snuggle or hug in the morning.
Economic partnership and support - this means that we face life’s challenges together and work together to prosper.
Birthing offspring and taking care of them.
We need to understand that when it comes to a well-functioning relationship, both parties need to be able to first provide those four functions for the other and need to be able to accept them as well. The presence of a third person in a relationship indicates that one or more basic relationship functions are not being met. The reasons for this can be numerous and they are in a way much more mysterious than we usually think, because there are several dynamics in a person’s subconscious that can influence how he or she is able to function in a relationship.
In cases of unfaithfulness, it is not enough to simply apologize or resort to drastic measures like divorce. The presence of a third person in the relationship indicates that both parties have underlying issues in functioning properly within the relationship. And this issue needs to be addressed in both parties before moving on, whether they decide to remain together or not.
More often than not, these issues are linked to subconscious beliefs and programs, often rooted in the history of one’s family system or personal past. In the following examples, which is far from complete, I attempt to show some cases of how deep the causes of unfaithfulness in a relationship can go, deeper than we typically understand and accept.
I have worked with several couples where the appearance of a third party caused conflict within the relationship. Often, the reason behind the problem is very surprising. There was a case where it was discovered that the person with an extramarital love interest had two vanishing twins, which means he had lost his twin siblings in utero. For him, the ideal state of an intimate relationship was – until he mourned the loss of the two siblings – to be in it with two other people, as this was how their life began.
It also often turns out that one of the partners does not actually want to have two partners or to choose between two people, because for them, the whole situation is not about which man or woman is more attractive or with whom they want to continue their life. It is more about being loyal to an ancestor who had extramarital relationships and was ostracized or at least condemned by the family for it. In such cases, if one can turn towards this ancestor with respect and without judgment, it is highly likely that the compulsion to constantly seek a third party alongside their relationship will disappear.
I have also seen cases where, during family constellations, it emerged that in the family of the person who had an extramarital love interest, sexuality was incompatible with marriage or a long-term relationship. In this family system, sexuality was associated with disrespect and sin due to an ancestor who was raped by her husband. Since this man loved and respected his partner, he didn’t want her to be objectified or feel disrespected and humiliated like his female ancestor who was raped by her husband; therefore, he felt his natural sexual desires had to be fulfilled in another way, with someone else.
There can also be situations where the unfaithful partner took the place of one of their parents because they felt the other parent needed support. In such cases of parentification, the child starts acting as a partner to the parent rather than as their child. They solve the parent's problems, provide energy, money, etc., to the parent, and try to protect them from the adversities of life. Naturally, this also means that the parent-child roles are reversed, thus tying up the adult child's capacity for an intimate and committed relationship. Therefore, they will not have the opportunity for a committed relationship, since the adult child is, so to speak, already in a relationship with one of their parents. Loyalty in this case binds them to the parent, and often, even though they have someone by their side, they will not be faithful to them, not truly committed.
The above are just a few examples of how many things can influence loyalty in a relationship and how much it can help if we finally see the real reasons behind the problems, rather than fighting an invisible enemy in a dark room.
It should also not be forgotten that the unfaithful partner's significant other is likely to have some issues with being in a committed relationship or in providing or accepting the functions of the relationship, otherwise, they would not have chosen a partner with these kinds of issues.
– Eszter
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