Guide: The Child Turned to Stone
For each short story we have created a guide that elaborates on the subject/conflict of the story and offers some more insights about the topic. The guide also offers a quick exercise that helps the reader examine their relationship with the subject and see themselves more clearly.
We recommend reading the short story first, you can find it here:
The short story titled "The Child Turned to Stone" is based on a personal experience, one of the stories that is closest to my heart. It narrates the story of a pregnancy that began as a twin pregnancy, told from the perspective of the surviving fetus. It's a story about a phenomenon known as vanishing twin syndrome.
Vanishing twin syndrome is a phenomenon that affects many, but is known by only some. It is most visibly encountered and understood during family constellations, kinesiology, or hypnosis therapy. Essentially, many pregnancies, as many as four out of ten, start as twin pregnancies, but the actual number of twins born is much lower. In cases of vanishing twin syndrome, one baby dies within a few weeks, often so early that the mother may not even be aware of its existence, at least not consciously. However, the absence remains, albeit subconsciously, within both parents.
The child that eventually is born, having survived a tremendous trauma in the womb without any assistance, often struggles with the effects of this unresolved grief from a very young age, sometimes throughout their entire life. Some feel doomed to failure due to survivor's guilt, others struggle financially, while others move from one serious illness to another. There are also those who poison their relationships with uncontrollable jealousy, or those who live a life very different from the one they wish for, mimicking their deceased sibling to help their parents process their subconscious grief. This means they are living someone else's life for their entire lives. And that is a huge and unnecessary sacrifice, which, in most cases, does not resolve the problem at all.
One of the most interesting examples was when an elderly lady had three completely unrelated careers. She was an accountant, then an engineer, and finally a farmer. During a family constellation, it was revealed that although she was the only one born, her mother was initially pregnant with triplets. When she "saw" her siblings, she cried and said she never understood why there was such a gaping void inside her.
Those interested in the phenomenon of vanishing twin syndrome and its effects on the surviving twin should read the book "Drama in the Womb" by Alfred R. Austermann and Bettina Austermann.
Returning to the short story, it was inspired by my own experience. The bond that forms between twins at a very early age is incredibly special. This bond remains for their entire life, or at least for the life of the one who is born. Losing a twin sibling during pregnancy is an intensely profound experience, which, precisely because the fetus has no supportive system, as it is alone with its trauma and grief, deeply imprints on the subconscious.
The possibility of sharing one's life and experiences, albeit in a limited way, with someone from the very beginning of existence is profoundly impactful. When that someone suddenly disappears without warning, it leaves a huge void in the other's soul. After being "abandoned" in such a manner, even if the abandonment was not due to a malicious deceit but some sort of fateful event, it becomes very difficult to trust another person and especially difficult not to search for the lost, dearly loved twin sibling in every relationship thereafter. To better understand this, consider that the surviving twin, in a relationship, functions similarly to those who search for traits of their deceased husband or wife in every new partner. This places an impossible expectation on the partner, as they can never be exactly like the lost loved one. This scenario is particularly true for someone who had a vanishing twin. Consequently, they often find it very challenging to form lasting romantic relationships. Even when such relationships are established, they may face numerous obstacles unless they process the trauma they experienced.
The story also touches on the idea that the amniotic fluid often becomes bitter when one of the fetuses dies. As a result, some individuals later cannot stand the taste of bitterness, as the flavor reminds them of the horror they experienced in their fetal stage.
Just imagine for a moment what it might be like to float for months in an increasingly cramped space with the remains of a deceased sibling, and one can immediately sense the prolonged tragedy that the surviving twin must endure. This situation alone is traumatic, not to mention the loss of their companion.
At birth, many surviving twins hesitate, not wanting to leave their twin sibling behind, even if they are aware that the baby is no longer alive. Having led several rebirthing healing courses, I've often witnessed this phenomenon and I must say, the loyalty with which such a tiny baby is attached to someone who is long gone, at least physically, is heart-wrenching.
I believe everyone should read the short story "The Child Turned to Stone," as it's not uncommon for those who do to be surprised by its impact. Many readers have told me they spontaneously started crying as they read the story, a reliable signal from their soul that something similar might have happened to them. If this happens, it's worthwhile to answer the following questions, as they can reveal a lot about whether we are in a similar situation or if the story has highlighted some other unresolved grief and entrenched emotions.
Here are the diagnostic questions:
Do I often buy things in pairs? For example, two plush toys, the same top in different colors, or do I like clothes that are different on each side?
Do I experience panic attacks or at least intense nervousness when my partner goes away for a while, even though I have no reason to, because I trust him or her?
Am I left-handed? Left-handedness can also be a sign of a lost twin, as twins often divide abilities between themselves. One might be dominated by the left hemisphere of the brain, the other often by the right hemisphere, as pointed out by David Chamberlain.
Do I constantly feel lonely?A deep sense of loneliness that has persisted since childhood, despite growing up in a loving family, might signify losing a twin.
Am I overly clingy in romantic or friendly relationships? When even we realize that our behavior is too much for the other, but we're unable to give them space is probably a sign of a vanished twin.
Am I constantly unsuccessful? Or do I constantly struggle with financial issues?
In competitive situations, instead of wanting to win, do I tend to let the other person have the victory?
Do I feel all my life like something is missing?
Do I feel incomplete instead of whole?
Do I have guilt for succeeding because it might have deprived someone else of something?
If we answer “yes” to most of these questions, then there's a good chance we ourselves have a vanishing twin. In this case, there's nothing to do but process the trauma we've experienced. Reading the short story will likely start this process. We might dream about our sibling, perhaps in symbolic ways, or spontaneous emotions may surface. It's important not to trivialize these. Give ourselves time and allow the emerging feelings to be expressed.
Many have found it helpful to carry a small plush toy everywhere in their handbag for a while. In their thoughts or when alone, they might talk to it aloud. They show it their life, workplace, family, favorite places in the city, their favorite novel, go to the cinema or the zoo.
The key is to finally acknowledge their twin's existence and along with that, the difficulty of what happened to them and the feelings connected to it that need to be processed. As weeks and months pass, the grief slowly transforms and the trauma is processed.
For some, this involves intense emotional outbursts, for others, it's a quiet process, but the key is that it happens. Ask and feel what your twin sibling would like to know about the world and do those things, show them those places, taste those foods! I know it sounds strange, but these things really help. It also helps to light a candle in their memory and say out loud that we were twins in the womb and that they are part of our family and belong to us. These sentences are beautiful, magical and act as a balm to our soul.
– Eszter
Related Article
Grief — The Emotional Mariana Trench
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