The Art of the Deal or How Do We Cheat Ourselves Out of Our Best Possible Life
The Art of the Deal or How Do We Cheat Ourselves Out of Our Best Possible Life
I recently read Morgan Housel's book "The Psychology of Money." The title of the first chapter is "Nobody's Crazy." Housel explains the concept in financial terms, showing that everyone has different experiences and conclusions about money, leading two people to make completely opposite decisions in the same financial situation. And often, both are right, at least within their own financial experience and belief system.
Housel mentions that the lowest income American households spend four times more on lottery tickets than the highest income households. Additionally, 40% of American households would not be able to come up with $400 in an emergency. Given that these are likely the same households mentioned earlier, it suggests that people who couldn't raise $400 in an emergency are the ones spending significant amounts on lottery tickets, despite the odds of winning being one in several million. This might seem insane to me or to others in better financial situations; however, looking at it from their perspective feels different.
For those living paycheck to paycheck, unable to afford desired items, lacking opportunities to travel or send their children to good schools, and with no chance of securing a better-paying job, grasping at that one in several million chance seems like the only option. Hence, they spend more on lottery tickets than wealthier segments.
This book has made me reflect deeply, and I must admit, it occasionally made me laugh as I recognized the financial pitfalls I've fallen into myself. It is definitely worth a read.
But returning to our main topic, it took many years and numerous experiences for me to realize that this is always the case. What seems insane to me in someone else's behavior makes perfect sense to them, and it doesn't end there! I've also come to understand that behaviors of mine, which may seem irrational to an outsider, feel completely logical to me. So, we might think, “Great, I'm off the hook! What I'm doing is perfectly sensible—at least, it's sensible according to my logic.”
However, more years and experiences led me to realize that even through my own eyes, the logic explaining my behavior might be deeply flawed.
So, what if what I'm doing really is crazy? What if the stranger is right?
Nowadays, we constantly hear that we should be ourselves, not worry about others' opinions because they're just projecting their own injuries and beliefs onto us, often judging us based on those, which can frequently be true. Yet, there are moments when deep down, we sense that something about our actions isn't right. Something doesn't fit. The way we're behaving doesn't reflect our true selves and isn't guiding us towards a better, happier life but rather in the opposite direction.
When we eat the entire chocolate bar, even though we know it's not good for us and we only wanted one piece. When we argue with our partner over something that we know will lose all significance by tomorrow, but we can't stop. When we lie to our friends about how well we are, but inside, we're experiencing our own apocalypse. When we explode at our boss and provoke a warning, even though we know how much we need the stable income... In short, when we do things that could make us lose important people, our health, our financial security, or something else that makes our lives better.
The question is, why do we switch on self-destruct mode?
The answer is simple. Just as it's worth it for poorer people to buy a lottery ticket and pay for the dream of one day being financially secure, living in a beautiful house, being able to travel, and ensuring their offspring never have financial worries, so too it seems worth it for us to jeopardize something valuable to us. Upon realizing this truth, we understand that the real question is, what is more valuable than our health, our loved ones, our financial security, etc.?
Those who buy lottery tickets, despite barely making ends meet, are giving up the relative sense of security provided by slowly accumulated savings for the dream of a wealthy life.
Similarly, we sacrifice our health for the joy of eating the rest of the chocolate bar, our relationships to be right, our sincere connections with friends to appear successful, and our financial security just to finally tell our boss they're stupid, to stick with the above examples.
In other words, we make a deal with ourselves. We must recognize that before every decision, before every action—maybe not consciously but under the influence of subconscious impulses—we agree with ourselves that the foreseeable explosion is worth whatever we're doing it for.
If that's the case, then the next question is what exactly is on the other side of the balance that tips the situation in its favor.
What makes the explosion worth it?
And this is the saddest part. Based on my own experiences and those with my clients, self-destructive behavior often hides a wound or belief, and we gain very little from such an explosion. More often than not, we only gain the avoidance of feeling old pain, shame, guilt, or anger, or the chance to lash out at someone over an old grievance who has nothing to do with it.
Then, after everything has blown up, we sit amidst the ruins, not understanding why we pressed the detonator.
I once heard from someone that those who win every argument in their relationship end up losing the relationship itself. This is very true, and not just in terms of relationships.
I myself have often realized that I became unbearably angry with my husband when arguing in the car because, as a child, I frequently felt cornered and threatened. Thus, the escalating tension in a confined space pushed my nerves to the breaking point. The whole argument wouldn't have been such a big deal if it hadn't been for the intensity of the unprocessed fear of being subjected again to endless, harsh lectures, being humiliated, belittled, and completely drained—all while not being able to physically move away.
Similarly, my husband had buttons that, if I accidentally pressed, would provoke a much more intense reaction than the topic warranted. It's like bumping your elbow where there's already a bruise from a previous hit, making it already sensitive. The next time we approach the doorknob, we go out of our way to avoid it, so we don't cause ourselves pain again, right?
So, when we feel we're behaving 'crazily,' it's better to sit down and realize that our behavior isn't crazy but very logical. We might not understand the logic, but for sure, we're making a deal with ourselves at that moment—often a deal that twists us out of a happier, more successful, healthier life.
To avoid this, we have no choice but to examine what's in both pans of the scale. On one side is the explosion or the possibility of an explosion, and on the other? It could be just to avoid the humiliating situation of crying publicly, like when we messed up a recital at a school event as a child. Or perhaps it's to avoid flying because we're terrified of it but won't admit it. Or maybe it's to finally tell someone in authority what we really think of them, even if we're actually directing feelings meant for our father towards our boss. Perhaps it's to unload all our accumulated anger on someone, say our spouse who's late, reminiscent of all those times our mother was late picking us up from school, leaving us feeling humiliated and alone.
Anything could be in the pan of the scale. But one thing is for sure: none of us is crazy or inherently self-destructive. These behavioral patterns develop because of our injuries and beliefs, and it's our task to uncover and heal them, preferably before we cause irreparable damage to ourselves.
This is why healing our old wounds and cultivating self-awareness are so crucial. The more we can process old wounds and change obstructive beliefs, the more our true self can prevail. This calm, wise, empathetic self that resides deep in our hearts will certainly not lead us astray, nor will it compel us to twist ourselves out of the happiest, most wonderful life we could live.
For true health, whether physical or mental, we must heal the wounds on our bodies and souls.
True self-awareness involves peeling off the layers, the behavioral patterns that do not originate from the love, lightness, and empathy in our hearts, but rather from the negative feelings of fear, pain, revenge, mourning, guilt, and anger that reside there.
We shouldn't entertain the idea that only positive feelings have a place in our hearts. There's a lot of accumulated pain, shame, anger, and other negative feelings crammed in there, like an old, dirty grill, an unused, broken bicycle, worn-out tires, will-be-good-for-something-someday wooden materials, and never-handled tools in a crowded garage. To let light and air finally flow through the garage filled to the ceiling, we indeed need to clear out all that junk.
In my experience, we can only truly trust the guidance of our hearts when we've managed to clear enough space in it for light, love, and lightness to at least trickle in and begin transforming the other negative feelings. It's like when the bulb in a ceiling light burns out, located at the center of a garage packed to the ceiling, making it unreachable for a replacement. Then, there's no choice but to wiggle our way to the window and finally move the leaned OSB board away from it. A little light gets in, and from that moment, we see better and can organize more easily.
Once we've cleared out the unnecessary things and arranged those we want to keep, then we can start using the room as it's meant to be used. The same goes for our hearts. Let's not allow ourselves to be shortchanged by our own actions! So, it's time to declutter! See what and how on Eszter’s Weekly Elephant.
– Eszter
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