Life Under the Glass Ceiling – The Fear of “Dethroning“

Often, I see examples where a parent prevents the fulfillment of their child's life in various life areas. In such cases, a so-called glass ceiling forms within the family system, beyond which the child cannot advance in certain areas, as it would threaten the parent’s authority. The specific areas where this limit is defined depend on the family, but the mechanism is similar in every case.

Why does the glass ceiling occur, and what can be done against it?

Fathers often draw a boundary in achieved position, money, or success, while mothers mostly do so in attractiveness, charm, or proper motherhood. However, the opposite also occurs when the father wants to remain the strongest or most attractive man, even at sixty-five, or the career-successful mother prevents her children from being financially successful.

Sometimes, half a lifetime can pass before children, living beneath this invisible glass ceiling, realize what is happening to them and understand why they are unable to reach their goals or why their performance in certain areas falls far behind that of their parents’. This perceived failure can engender feelings of profound incompetence, particularly when these children come from individuals who excel in these areas. This feeling intensifies when accomplishments in other life areas are deemed insignificant within the family, a common scenario in families with rigid glass ceilings.

For instance, in many families financial achievement is the sole measure of a life's success, and other achievements, such as academic accomplishments, creative fulfillment, or exemplary parenting, diminish in comparison. Children living under a glass ceiling are deemed unsuccessful, since no matter what areas other than finance they excel in, the only real measure of success is prosperity and they are not even allowed to get close to their parent’s achievements in that field.

Those who continually cut themselves off from success, making financially risky decisions, always clashing with their bosses, or constantly struggling with overweight beside an attractive mother, etc., hinder themselves from reaching their goals due to the law implanted in them since childhood. This law states: in this family, only achievements in a specific area are truly recognized, and in that specific area, only one person can be successful, one of the parents.

Dr. Jean Shinoda Bolen refers to this phenomenon in men as the Kronos complex, as, like Kronos in Greek mythology, these parents fear losing their supremacy in a particular area, dreading that their children will dethrone them. Kronos decided to consume his children after their birth to retain his power, but thanks to the trick of his wife, Rhea, Zeus escaped and did indeed dethrone his father when he grew up.

The question is, what are such parents so intensely afraid of?

In my experience, such behavior is characteristic of people with severe self-esteem issues.  It is crucial to understand that when parents defend their supremacy, they are, in essence, fighting for their existence. Due to their own childhood traumas, they perceive themselves to be in mortal danger and harbor deep feelings of worthlessness as adults.They entertain the belief that a child deemed worthless has no right to resources, and therefore, they must continuously assert their superiority over others to ensure their survival. This stems from a fear rooted in childhood, analogous to instances where an animal might abandon a newborn it deems sick or unviable, opting instead to allocate resources to the healthy offspring.

When parents treat a child as worthless, disregarding them and not connecting with them on an emotional level, the child experiences this as a threat to their survival. (More about deprivation traumas in “Deprivation Traumas and Their Surprising Consequences.”) If they don’t matter to the parents on whom their life depends, if they are not even valuable to them, then who would help them to survive?

This trauma, if not processed, follows a person throughout their entire life and significantly influences their behavior. If anyone appears better, more successful, more valuable, then the person with damaged self-esteem feels as if they are in mortal danger because their fear instilled in them in childhood resurfaces and they again feel they won’t receive the resources necessary for survival. But since no one can be the best in everything, success criteria must be narrowed down to maintain supremacy. Once narrowed down to financials or rank or parenting, etc. supremacy must be maintained at all costs.

Such parents typically choose an area that is socially accepted and where they are inherently proficient. For example, an attractive mother will choose attractiveness; a father good with money will measure everything in financial terms. I have also seen those who measured everything not in money, beauty, strength but in scientific advancements. One man’s child, despite being the best businessman, was always derogated because for the father, only the number of his cited articles in scientific circles was significant and whether he was invited as a speaker to conferences.

This narrowed definition of success makes it easier to feel valuable as one only needs to excel in one area and usually subordinates everything to this one goal. This seriously distorts the balance of family life, as, in a money-measuring family, for example time spent with children doesn’t count as performance as it doesn’t bring immediate financial gain.

The problem arises when children grow up, start earning well or become successful or attractive, approaching the glass ceiling. The parent, feeling their sense of value threatened, attacks.

Often, they try to suppress the “usurper” with belittling remarks, devaluing comments, offensive sentences, and criticism. The growing child becomes confused, failing to understand why a parent, who is supposed to support and rejoice in their success, exhibits such hostility, especially when good things are occurring. Most learn during their teenage years to avoid reaching this ceiling as the love and security from the parent are seen as more important than success, beauty, money, power, etc. However, this suppression causes serious frustration in adulthood especially if individuals still don’t allow themselves to reach their full potentials in being successful, attractive, well-earning, or good parents.

If we feel that one of our parents never rejoices in our successes, if we don’t understand why we are unable to fulfill our potential in a certain life area, it’s worth examining whether there is a glass ceiling above our heads that we haven’t noticed.

As a quick check, write a list of our achievements in the areas where we feel there is a glass ceiling above our head, and analyze the reactions. It can be eye-opening. When we are finished with the list, we need to try recalling the reactions of our parents.

When considering both parents, it is helpful to answer the following questions separately:

– Was my mother/father pleased when I shared the news with him/her about this achievement?

– Did he/she praise me, or merely acknowledge the news and change the topic as soon as possible?

– Was the praise sincere or did it feel forced?

– Was there any celebration or reward for my success?

Fortunately, there are many ways to shatter the glass ceiling and solve such a problem, but the first is always to see clearly what we are struggling with!

– Eszter

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