Guide: The Seer
For each short story we have created a guide that elaborates on the subject/conflict of the story and offers some more insights about the topic. The guide also offers a quick exercise that helps the reader examine their relationship with the subject and see themselves more clearly.
We recommend reading the short story first, you can find it here:
In the short story "The Seer," we not only gain insight into the mindset of someone with considerable observational skills and knowledge of human nature but also discover an interesting and lesser-known family dynamic: parentification. Many more people are subconsciously entangled in this dynamic than we might initially assume.
Parentification essentially occurs when a child is made, consciously or subconsciously, responsible for attending to the emotional or physical needs of their parents or siblings. Physical parentification is when a child physically cares for the adult and siblings including activities such as earning money, doing housework, or paying bills. Emotional parentification occurs when the child assumes the responsibility of keeping their parent or siblings emotionally stable and content.
This phenomenon often arises when the parents are struggling with mental health issues or addictions, not limited to severe cases of parental mental health problems but also less severe ones. A clear sign of parentification is when a parent instructs the child to care for the other parent or, in the event of a divorce, the child becomes the trusted companion of the seemingly weaker parent. Discussing matters typically reserved for adult partners—like financial difficulties, emotional distress related to the divorce, or issues with a new partner, including sexual matters—indicates parentification.
In this short story, the protagonist, Isaac, whom his friends simply call the Seer, grew up with a mother battling alcoholism. Children forced to endure various childhood traumas, especially those growing up with a parent facing addiction problems, develop highly refined senses. This heightened awareness can stem from two reasons, usually present simultaneously in children who suffer childhood traumas. For those regularly abused—verbally, physically, sexually—or growing up next to often aggressive parents due to alcohol or drug use, anticipating danger from afar can be crucial for survival. They must be vigilant of the slightest signs, sometimes knowing whether the parent has been drinking or is in an aggressive mood just by how the key turns in the lock upon arriving home. Such children cannot later discard the tense vigilance with which they constantly monitor their environment for potential danger.
Another reason children of parents suffering from addiction or depression have such refined senses is the awareness, especially if they have had such experiences, that their parent's life might depend on timely noticing signs of suicide, medication overdose, or excessive drug intake. These children almost monitor their parent's every move, even in their sleep, ready to intervene if necessary to prevent a tragedy.
Regardless of whether it's the desire to escape danger or to effectively avert it that drives the development of this acute perception, children growing up in such situations always endure serious psychological injuries.
As mentioned above, children who grow up with parents suffering from addiction or depression often fall into the trap of parentification as well. They feel responsible for the well-being of the adult living with them, instead of being cared for by the parent. Such a parent is often unable to care for the child, frequently requiring help with their own care. Many children, out of love, involuntarily step into the adult role to care for the parent, and over time, they become emotionally involved in this relationship in a way that is typically reserved for a romantic partnership. This doesn't mean the child falls in love with their mother or father or feels sexual attraction; rather, they take on many functions of a romantic partner, such as emotional intimacy or caregiving. However, the issue is that children who become parentified can never truly commit in a relationship later on, even if they appear to have a partner. A person has only one true capacity for emotional connection in romantic relationships. It's as if we had only one hand to hold our partner's hand. If that hand is already occupied because we've become parentified, then our partner can only cling to our clothes, leg, or shoulder, always feeling that we are not truly committed to them, which can lead to numerous conflicts in the future.
In the short story "The Seer," the protagonist is constantly worried about his mother. One can almost sense how he constantly watches her from a distance, rather than fully engaging in his life on the university campus, and how he subconsciously avoids entering into a romantic relationship. He gains considerable recognition and advantage from his ability to discern everyone's intentions and feelings, yet it's evident that he never exploits this knowledge maliciously, which makes his character endearing.
Despite the Seer's keen insight, he remains notably oblivious to one aspect: the romantic feelings one of his closest female friends harbors for him. While the girl would very much like to be in a relationship with him, the possibility never crosses the Seer's mind, perfectly illustrating what it's like when an adult has been severely parentified as a child and has not since processed their traumas or changed their relationship with their parents.
A turning point comes into Isaac's life when he finally places his trust in his mother's new partner and realizes that his mother's life is back on track. It's no coincidence that at this moment, the tight and unnatural bond that tied them together dissolves, and Isaac finally notices the girl who has loved him for so long.
Although the spontaneous resolution depicted in the story does occur in life, my experience is that it's better not to wait for this and to work consciously on ensuring that roles within our family, if nowhere else, at least in our psyche, fall into place.
To determine whether we have experienced parentification, answering the following questions can be insightful:
Did our parents divorce or did one of them die prematurely?
If yes to the above, in the case of divorce, did we feel we had to protect the seemingly stronger or at-fault parent from the other?
Was there a time when one parent physically or verbally abused the other, and we had to protect or heal the victim, physically or emotionally, after the abuse?
Was there a period when we were the ones keeping a parent's spirits up?
Was there a situation in our life when the care of a parent or sibling was entrusted to us?
Did any of our parents struggle with addiction or depression, or were there suicide attempts by our parents?
Was there a time when a parent required long-term care and we were the caregiver?
Do we feel that we need to look after one of our parents, responsible for their physical and emotional well-being?
When we have a moment to ourselves, do we immediately feel the need to check on how the parent is doing?
Did a parent discuss topics with us in our childhood that we would not discuss with our own child, such as their sexual life, the divorce and its emotional difficulties, issues with a new partner, financial problems?
Answering 'yes' to several of these questions strongly suggests that we may have experienced parentification. This can manifest in relationship difficulties such as a lack of commitment, infidelity, fear of marriage, a lack of desire to have children, or even in infertility. It may also show in constantly choosing a partner who doesn't want to commit, who cheats, with whom we always feel we're not a priority. The exact reason for this is our subconscious overcommitment to one of our parents because to connect to a "free," commitment-ready partner, we ourselves need to be "free." If this is not the case, the only solution is to find someone who also has commitment issues for some reason, thus tolerating that we're also only half-heartedly in the relationship. If we want to change our patterns, we need to change ourselves and our relationship with our parents, even if only with the parent living in our own psyche.
The first step in this process is to clarify whether we have become parentified or not. Answering the above questions will give us a clearer understanding of our situation. How we proceed from there in shedding the excessive responsibility varies individually and is always a long process, but if we have become parentified, it's worthwhile to finally acknowledge, at least to ourselves, those feelings that we have probably ignored since childhood.
Consider the following questions to help in this regard:
How do we feel about the parent whom we've taken care of, been a confidant or friend to? Love? Anger? Worry? Desire for revenge? Hurt? Fear?
How do we view this parent today? As vulnerable? Strong? Helpless? Foolish? Naive? Traumatized? Manipulative?
What are our feelings towards the other parent? Anger? Desire for revenge? Hurt? Pain? Fear? Disappointment?
How do we see the other parent? Strong? Aggressive? Bad? Promiscuous? Dishonest? Manipulative? Cowardly?
How did we feel in our childhood when we were entrusted with the care of the weaker parent, or when we took on that role ourselves? Stressed by the heavy burden? Proud to be treated so maturely? Terrified about how to perform? Afraid of the other parent? Frightened about what might happen if we missed something and the parent got hurt? Did we enjoy the attention when we took care of the parent? Felt alone? Lonely?
What would we say if our own child felt similarly because of us? Would that be okay?
It's not surprising if various feelings, previously swirling vaguely in the depths, surface while answering these questions. Let's voice them, write them down, allow them to finally flow out. To vent our anger, hitting a pillow or the back of a couch until we tire out can help the real feelings hidden beneath, such as fear and pain, to emerge. We can also go to a deserted place and shout if that works better. The important thing is to safely release the anger and see what feelings stir beneath it. Once we've uncovered our true feelings, we can begin mourning the carefree childhood that never happened. This is a longer process that requires time. It's helpful to be familiar with the stages of grief for this process.
The first steps towards healing are never easy, but if we want a balanced relationship and a happy life, it's worth attempting them.
– Eszter
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Emotions, the Language of Our Soul — Anger
Grief — The Emotional Mariana Trench
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