Choosing Between Parents – How Can We Expect This from a Two-Year-Old?
Parents often, unconsciously, force their children to choose between them. It's hard to imagine a more difficult situation for a two-year-old or a six-year-old, and it can cause serious emotional damage. What should we pay attention to in order to avoid this?
In the film “Pride and Prejudice,” starring Keira Knightley, her father, Mr. Bennet, presents his daughter with a “serious” choice. Anyone familiar with the film knows that in this humorous scene, this choice saves Elizabeth from an unhappy marriage with the foolish Mr. Collins.
In real life, having a child choose between their parents is far from funny. Unfortunately, we often put children in such situations without realizing it. When children become pawns in the power struggles, resentments, and divorce battles of their parents, we inflict significant harm on them. It might seem harmless to tell a two-year-old, "Your father is selfish!" or "Your mother only knows how to worry!" but it's not. The hidden message in these and similar statements is, "The other parent is not okay, I am better than him or her! Stand by me, against them!” In other words, we want to align the child with ourselves or our values in the battle, instead of keeping them out of the parents' conflict. The problem is that a young child loves both parents equally, regardless of their flaws, and is incapable of choosing between them, nor should they be asked to. It's akin to asking someone which leg they'd prefer to have amputated. How can they choose? They need both to walk and run, just as a child needs both parents to grow into a healthy, balanced adult.
A parent who forces their child to choose between themselves and the other parent must understand two things:
1. They are certainly causing harm to their child, as the child is subconsciously aware that they are partly the father and partly the mother. By condemning the other parent, we also communicate to the child that we do not accept the part of them that comes from the other parent. This is cruel and very painful for a young child, not to mention that at some point in our lives, we accepted the other parent and decided to have a child together with them.
2. The judging parent may superficially win the child's loyalty, but since the child loves both parents equally, they will subconsciously remain loyal to the criticized parent. In extreme cases, this means the child might "copy" the life of the condemned parent. For example, in the case of a gambling-addicted father—if the mother constantly speaks ill of the father in front of the child—the child may agree with her and seemingly turn away from the father, but later, they are likely to suffer from some form of addiction or continuous financial problems themselves. Thus, they remain loyal to the father. Or they copy the mother's constant struggle with health, if the father succeeds in turning the child against an often ill mother. These are specific examples, and the psyche can find various ways to express hidden loyalty. However, it's certain that with such a childhood, the individual will face significant difficulties later in life.
We should think before trying to strengthen our position on the battlefield by drafting our child into our ranks! I understand that in a relationship, our most painful wounds from childhood emerge (more on this in “Relationships — A Personalized Training Program”), causing very strong feelings between a man and a woman, but our child has nothing to do with this! Try to keep these disputes away from them. Just as we wouldn't allow a two-year-old on a real battlefield, we shouldn't let them become militarized in our in-house conflicts!
When we talk about each other in front of the child, let's do it with respect because no matter the current situation between the two adults, they once loved each other and were connected enough to have a child together. Let's respect this past and the other parent, and don't forget that through our behavior, we are also providing relationship models for the child.
Whatever happens with the couple, no matter how complicated our patchwork family becomes, let the child continue to love their father and their mother equally and let them learn and accept the other parent's useful, positive behavioral patterns without which they might struggle in different fields of their lives. We need to understand that when we reject or judge a person, we reject them entirely. It is not possible to say that we reject our father’s womanizing behavior but want his ability to succeed in everything he does. It is impossible to reject our mother’s cold behavior towards us but successfully adopt her flowing creativity. This compartmentalized behavior only works when there isn't serious emotional turbulence involved. I will discuss how we can let go of our judgments in the face of even horrendous childhood experiences in later articles.
For now, what we need to understand is that we can adopt positive patterns even from people we dislike. For example, we can learn how to grow a lush vegetable garden from a neighbor we don’t like, but it is impossible to acquire the core traits of a person we really, fiercely detest. So if we want our child to freely and successfully utilize the positive behavioral patterns of both parents, it is imperative not to make them choose between or judge one parent over the other.
– Eszter
Related Article
Relationships — A Personalized Training Program
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