Children Forever in Masks
Do parents truly know their children? To what extent can a parent control a child's personality and life?
Many, when deciding to have children, start with almost the same hopes as couples do in Hollywood movies at the end of a wedding, racing into their expected eternal happiness in a comically painted car with a "Just Married" sign.
Just as the happy ending implied by films is not always easy in reality, the situation with children isn't all rose-tinted, fluffy moments with a kiss on their sweet-smelling bottoms. The truth is, two people who love each other receive a third – a tiny human being – with its own destiny and character.
Many parents are so keen to excel in their role that they fail to recognize the true personality of their child, which might be a bit or even entirely different from their own. These parents do the parenting according to mental lists and decisions instead of doing it according to their heart. They have a clear picture about what a good parent does and they just push their child through that predetermined program whether it fits them or not. If the list contains ballet lessons, than the child will do ballet, even if swimming would fit her physical construct better. Or the child will attend economic studies even if art would be a better fit.
Listening to the child, learning about their strengths and weaknesses, and helping them find a way where they can be the best versions of themselves and be happy as well, require profound empathy, openness, and continuous self-awareness on the parent's part.
This can be complicated, so many parents don't even embark on this journey. Consequently, children often adjust to the perception their immediate environment has of them and temporarily adopt another persona. This persona often sticks to them, sometimes for their entire life or decades after they move out of their parents' house.
They feel they are only accepted by their family if they exhibit the expected personality traits. Some eventually reveal their true selves and are rejected by their family; others are fortunate enough to have families who accept their unique personality. In cases without acceptance, family gatherings become scarce since the child either has to constantly face the fact they aren't accepted with their genuine personality or put on their old persona for the duration of the visit.
In family constellations, I observe that deeper forces and influences play a role in an individual's destiny than current and future parents might realize. While it's essential to provide the best for our children as parents, we need to temper our egos. Each individual has unique abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and life goals. As such, many of our beliefs and values might not be applicable to a child with a drastically different personality and destiny than ours. We mustn’t allow our ego to convince us that our values are universally correct, in order not to risk misguiding and alienating our child. I often observe in real life and in therapy sessions that a child's value system or sense of justice is more in place than the parent's, even if the parents don't recognize that.
I believe the primary role as parents isn't to impose our worldview or values on our child but to understand them and help them live their own destiny to the fullest and achieve their unique goals.
No parent should view a child like a lump of clay that can be molded according to the parent’s whims. Besides making the child's life challenging and preventing them from accepting themselves, this perspective brings a lot of frustration and conflict. If we treat the child like clay, then any misshapen outcome is mostly our responsibility.
Not allowing a child to express their personality, doing what they do best and pursue their own goals is like forcing an ostrich to train and compete with storks in flying long distances. We condemn the child to unending failure and unhappiness.
In my opinion, parents should invest more energy in understanding their children through observation and active listening than by solely relying on generic books and expert advice on how to raise a child perfectly. Furthermore, they must accept that it's not necessarily true that a parent always knows better than their child, and they are not allowed to control their child’s destiny or radically change their personality.
Child-rearing and relationships are the most intense trainings for letting go of our ego. We don't get the child we want but the one we need for our own growth.
– Eszter
Short Story: Masquerade Ball
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