The Family Jenga Tower – Stages of Change
The Family Jenga Tower – Stages of Change
Everyone is familiar with Jenga. The game becomes most difficult when the easily removable pieces are exhausted, and we must take out supporting pieces from the bottom, which stabilize the already porous and unstable tower. When someone in a family system is unhappy and decides to change their life, it resonates with others as if a supporting block is being removed. The entire system begins to wobble, and it's uncertain if it will remain standing.
Naturally, tensions rise, and every family member, including the one wanting change, feels uncertain and might even become angry. Often, family members might temporarily oppose the one pushing for change.
However, let's remember that change is a natural part of life. We have the right to understand ourselves, process our traumas, learn from our adverse experiences, and let go of negative patterns.
Most times, this uncertain period filled with tensions passes, and it's common for one person's self-awareness journey to bring positive change to other family members' lives. It's often observed that the whole system breathes a sigh of relief, and certain problems disappear when one person works diligently on themselves.
Whether the Jenga tower eventually collapses or finds a new balance is uncertain. However, anyone embarking on a journey of self-discovery must be prepared for resistance from friends, family, or those around them. During such times, we should be kind to ourselves, giving ample space and time for transformation. (More about this in the article “Closed for Renovation!”)
It's essential to understand that change occurs gradually and, much like grieving, it has stages. Many have described these stages in various ways. I will share one such list by Virginia Satir, one of the most renowned pioneers of family therapy. She viewed and treated families as systems, bringing much experience to the topic.
Stage 1 - Status quo: The need or necessity for change emerges.
Stage 2 - Introduction of a foreign element: The individual introduces new insights, experiences, or ways of functioning into the family system.
Stage 3 - Chaos: The individual begins to deviate from their typical role, and the old equilibrium is disrupted.
Stage 4 - New possibilities and integration: New experiences are integrated, and a new system begins to form.
Stage 5 - Implementation: The individual reinforces the new state by operating according to the new experiences, practicing the new order.
Stage 6 - The new status quo: The new system solidifies.
If we can be aware that many problems and tensions are often temporary, we can more easily navigate challenges. However, sometimes the entire Jenga tower collapses. In such cases, we must decide what's more critical: healing ourselves or maintaining the family system unchanged.
In these scenarios, we must brace ourselves for inevitable hurt, but the choice remains ours. We can either revert to our old roles and problems or embrace change, following our path even if it doesn't align with our family's expectations. According to Bert Hellinger, a sign of adulthood is when someone can bear the guilt of not meeting their family of origin's expectations and lives their own destiny.
– Eszter
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Closed for Renovation!
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