Pantry-Packed Children

Apr 08, 2024

I often hear complaints that young people are disrespectful to their elders. I also see many parents insinuating to their child: I gave you life, you do as I say!

Isn’t it disrespectful to consider a completely autonomous being – albeit tiny at first – as our own property and to control them as if they are characters in a computer game? If children grow up with this example, how can we expect respect from them later? Especially when this ownership reaches a level where the parent practically “pantry-packs” the child for harder times.

That is, conditioning them from a young age to support the parent in their old age, constantly citing the many sacrifices already made for them. By doing this to our children, we essentially deprive them of their own lives, their own decisions, and their life energy, positioning them as a resource in our pantry, next to flour, sugar, and preserved vegetables, always to be available for more difficult times.

Through this conscious or subconscious attitude, we transfer our life’s responsibility onto the child's shoulders; they must then consider our well-being in all of their decisions. As a result, a substantial part of the child’s life energy is not invested in building their life or family but is diverted to maintaining the parent's happiness and standard of living. Within this conditional system, the young adult is likely to avoid making risky career decisions and may abandon their dreams, as they have to provide security to the parent; experimentation has no place in this arrangement. The parent essentially becomes the first child of their children.

Bert Hellinger always said that this situation is analogous to a river flowing backward. According to him, energy must flow from the older generation to the younger and not the other way around. If we reverse this natural flow, humanity will soon be extinct as the younger generation will not have sufficient energy to properly care for their children, take risks and find new ways of living.

Prospective parents should never forget that having a child is not a business transaction, even if many treat it as such due to fear of the future, loss of their comfort, or existential anxiety. Anyone deciding to have a child needs to understand that it’s their decision and their responsibility alone, not the child’s.

Parenting entails making sacrifices in energy, leisure time, and finances, and it is an “investment” that may never pay off. After all, our child’s fate may not involve success, wealth or health but failure, deprivation, or even illness. So, it might be us who will be helping them throughout our lives, and not the other way around. Naturally, in most cases, the situation isn’t this hard, but it’s a possible scenario that can not be excluded.

If we can respect the child's own life path and allow them the freedom to do what they want with their life, a mutually respectful and loving relationship could develop between parent and child. As a result, the adult child will naturally want to help the parents.

However, another important thing must be mentioned. Often, children assist their parents through life energy, attention, and love, not through financial means. Many in today’s world may not value these elements, but they are indeed valuable. What a child chooses to give to their parents in adulthood is their decision, just as what a parent chose to give to their child in their younger years was theirs. Bert Hellinger often stated that just as a child must come to terms with what they have received from their parents, the parents too must accept what a child gives them as an adult.

Let’s not forget; no parents are perfect, even if many like to think they are beyond reproach. Often, what a child lacked during their childhood is never even discussed, not even when they become adults.

Perhaps our children would have preferred more quality time and play, but we were always preoccupied with cooking or enrolling them in extra classes. From this single example, we can see how children have to accept the quantity and quality of what they receive from their parents during childhood. It is only fair for parents to similarly accept the quantity and quality of what they receive from their adult children, even if the parent desires money but the child can only give attention, or vice versa.

Parents often label children who distance themselves in adulthood as ungrateful, but like every relationship, it takes two to tango. The deterioration of relationships is never solely the responsibility of one party.

In relationships with strangers, we understand that one adult cannot force another adult to give something if they don’t want to. Sooner or later, our child also grows up, and just like in childhood, we cannot own their life or their life force in adulthood. Whether our adult child takes care of us—either with love, energy, or materially—is their decision. If we managed to establish a loving relationship with them in childhood and respected their boundaries, they will likely be happy to be with us and will do what they can for us.

– Eszter

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