Old Friendship — Is It Worth Its Weight in Gold or Is It Just Heavy as Lead?

While the saying goes that old friends are worth their weight in gold and new ones are in silver, a little refinement might be in order. There are times when an old friend, instead of being like gold, feels more like lead. They become a burden on our shoulders.

There are various kinds of friendships. Some last for years and years, while others involve periodic arguments and reconciliations. Some friendships only endure for a few months, and the list goes on.

Everyone has a different approach to friendships, and the relationships we call friendship can be built on a variety of things. Unfortunately, many longstanding friendships are nothing more than a pack of well-defined roles and subtle power games. Such friendships are likely to turn into lead rather than gold when we undergo radical changes.

We’re familiar with these games, aren’t we?

For example, there might be an unspoken agreement where one friend is the good mother, always ready to give advice on parenting. The other friend has a successful career but isn’t such a good mother. So, with a pang of guilt, she always listens to the success stories of the good mother and counters her stories with her own high salary and promotions.

Or one friend might be the attractive one, while the other is the practical one who guides the attractive friend’s path and shields her from dangers.

Some have a perfect romantic relationship and can’t understand why their other friend keeps messing up theirs, while the latter flaunts her popularity among men with her athleticism and sophistication. There are even those who use the number of their children as a weapon, suggesting the more children someone has, the higher their worth is while the other brags about her colorful, adventure-filled single life.

In these friendships roles have already been established and, over the decades spent together, have become rigid. Everyone has their place in the small ecosystem of the friendship circle. There’s the naive one, the always funny one, the careless one, the materialistic one, the perfect mother, the health enthusiast, the cool guy, the hottie, the straight-A student, the careerist, the successful one, the clumsy one, the single one, the easygoing one, the snob, and so on.

While these games often happen unspoken, hidden behind broad smiles, the rules are well-known and accepted by all, and breaking them more often than not results in exile.

Everyone is acutely aware of what their good friend or the group expects from them, and they know precisely how much chaos would ensue if they suddenly tried to break free from their accustomed role.

The problem arises when some trauma, inner work, or any other catalyst causes a radical change in us. We no longer want to be the one everyone exploits, the one who always agrees, or the guardian angel who rushes to the rescue every time the other does the same foolish thing for the hundredth time. We don’t want to endure unspoken reproach if we love beautiful handbags or choose to stay home with our child until they’re six years old.

During these times of change, we discover whether we are important to our old friends or merely playing a supporting role in their drama. It’s then that we see if our old friendship weighs us down with outdated expectations like lead or if it supports us to blossom and is truly valuable like gold.

If we’re fortunate, our friends will make the effort to get to know us again, see the world from our new perspective, and support us in our transformation. That’s when the old friendship truly becomes worth its weight in gold, and even more. Let’s seek out such friends and settle for nothing less!

– Eszter

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