Love Languages

Does your spouse or child doubt your love despite your best efforts? Perhaps all you need is just a common love language

Can love develop between two people who do not speak each other’s language? Well, our initial, gut reaction might be that it’s only possible under the influence of a large amount of alcohol and only until the next morning, right? How could two people converse if they don’t understand each other’s language? Let’s say a Hungarian and an Italian… conversations on goulash, pizza, and lasagna will quickly run dry. And to discuss going to the movies or hiking, a broader vocabulary would be needed.

But what about love languages? Even in a traditional relationship where both parties speak each other’s native language, there can still be issues if they don’t understand each other’s love language. What are we talking about here?

We’re talking about the fact that just as two people who speak different languages might not understand each other while looking at a map on the street, a couple will also have communication problems if their love languages don’t match or if they don’t learn the other’s.

It’s just like when a helpful local, who doesn’t speak a foreign language, slowly and distinctly explains in Hungarian to the frustrated Italian tourist that they should turn left at the corner to get to the Hard Rock Café. The Hungarian becomes increasingly angry at the clueless foreigner, while the foreigner likely won’t find their way to the restaurant. This happens in relationships too, if we don’t make an effort to learn each other’s love language. If we often hear sentences from our partner like “you don’t really love me” or “do you love me at all?”, it’s a good indication that we’re not using the love language the other understands.

For proper communication, it’s essential to know which love language(s) we understand best — this could be one or a combination of two languages. After that, it’s worth learning our partner’s love language.

What are the love languages?

Gary Chapman wrote a great book on this, which is worth reading for those deeply interested in the topic. But if you want a quick rundown, just keep reading.

Words of Affirmation

For those who speak this language, it’s important for the other to frequently and in various ways express how much they love and appreciate them, how important they are, etc. Words here have a greater significance than actions.

Quality Time

Those who value time spent with them are happiest when they have the undivided attention of their partner. A dinner, a weekend together, when we only focus on them and turn off our phones and tablets, is the best way to show our love.

Receiving Gifts

Here, we shouldn’t think of the diamond mania portrayed by Marilyn Monroe’s character, Lorelei Lee. Those for whom gift-giving is their love language appreciate any gift, no matter how small. It’s the thought and effort behind the gift that matters, not its value.

Acts of Service

For those with this love language, any act that makes their life easier effectively communicates love. It might be the partner doing the shopping for them, doing the dishes, or fetching a book from the university library for their thesis. The essence is that one task is crossed off their to-do list, giving them a breather.

Physical Touch

Those who speak this language understand love and importance best through touch, be it a caress, holding hands, or making love. For these people, a gentle touch means much more than words or acts of service.

Once we’ve become familiar with the love languages, let’s reflect on when we truly felt that our parents or our partner loved us. If we’ve figured out which language we understand, it’s worth finding out which love language resonates with our partner or our children. By learning this, we can avoid the confusion and frustration over the metaphorical map, just like locals fluent in English, and we can express to our loved ones — in a way they understand — how important they are to us.

– Eszter

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