Guide: The Girl with the Big Butt
Guide: The Girl with the Big Butt
For each short story we have created a guide that elaborates on the subject/conflict of the story and offers some more insights about the topic. The guide also offers a quick exercise that helps the reader examine their relationship with the subject and see themselves more clearly.
We recommend reading the short story first, you can find it here:
The short story titled “The Girl with the Big Butt" explores how we can sabotage our entire lives with self-judgments, whether they are based on truth or not, ultimately preventing us from achieving happiness and fulfillment. Often, by the time we recognize the harm we're doing to ourselves, it's already too late. Years, or even decades, may pass without us changing what we should or accepting what we cannot change.
The judgments and criticisms we level at ourselves often originate from influences we absorbed in childhood. In many cases, we were not the problem, but instead, we were made victims by a frustrated classmate, a disappointed or angry parent, or a teacher exhibiting fear aggression. A single tactless, hurtful remark thrown our way can haunt us for life, continually echoing in our ears and turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Despite common advice to disregard such comments because others' opinions supposedly don't matter, overcoming this is rarely straightforward.
For one thing, as children, for many long years, our lives depend on whether or not our community accepts us. If not, since we're incapable of fending for ourselves, we're doomed to death. If someone were to leave a three-year-old in the forest, the child would quickly starve or be captured by a predator, right? Thus, like most young animals, we harbor a mortal fear of possibly being ostracized from our community. Even more so, a two-year-old isn't aware that it’s against the law for their parents to leave them alone in the forest, intensifying their innate fears.
So, the child wants to comply, to perform well, to be accepted. That's why they're especially sensitive to any criticism coming from someone they perceive as stronger, even if that person is just a more aggressive classmate. Subconsciously, the child, and often the adult in the case of unprocessed traumas, struggles with a fear of death instilled in them in childhood, but that topic will be explored in another article.
For now, it's enough to understand that criticism, especially when delivered with intense energy, can leave deep scars. This often occurs because such criticism strikes a sensitive spot, one that has been distorted by childhood critiques. Consequently, our self-image becomes warped, leading us to view ourselves in the same negative light as our critics.
For example, if as a child we were told by someone important to us that our butt is huge or that we are not graceful enough to be considered attractive, even if these criticisms are baseless, we tend to believe the critics. Later, when we gain some weight and feel that our jeans are a little tighter around our butt, or when we compare ourselves to someone very graceful, those criticisms resurface from our memories. We then feel as if our butt is much bigger than it is in reality and feel clumsier than we actually are. The small gestures we make to hide our butt or our attempts to behave artificially graceful might evoke even more criticism or malevolent humor from others. But this time, we will be even more offended, and our self-judgment becomes even more intense.
Individuals who are overweight, physically weaker, poor students, less popular, or possess any characteristic that deviates from the norm often faced criticism in their childhood and frequently engage in self-criticism for these same reasons. Thus, the critic merely amplifies their internal thoughts. And that's what's truly painful: it feels as if someone can see into our heads, exposing our sensitive spots, which already cause us suffering, for everyone to see. From that point on, we're prone to believe that the entire world views us as the critic does, the beast of self-criticism is unleashed, and if we are not careful, it devours our entire self-confidence, growing bigger and bigger with every negative thought about ourselves. Finally, the one singular aspect they criticized begins to overshadow our entire self-image.
Eventually, this perception completely overshadows the countless other positive qualities we possess, such as our beautiful eyes, remarkable mathematical abilities, kind hearts, or other favorable traits. If we allow this to happen, then, in the best-case scenario, we will feel uncomfortable in many situations. In the worst case, we might reach a point where we no longer dare or desire to be among people, thus isolating ourselves from human connections.
I believe the best course of action in such instances is to find a few people—indeed, even one is sufficient—who love us unconditionally or at least accept us more than others do.
By viewing ourselves through the eyes of these individuals, we can also recognize our positive attributes. As a result, the judgment monster, which once dominated our entire self-perception, will gradually diminish and become just one of the many traits by which we describe ourselves, not the foremost and nearly the only trait that comes to mind.
The question arises: Is there someone who loves us this way? I hope the answer is that everyone has at least one such person in their life. If not, all is not lost, because we can also heal ourselves. I will write a few lines towards the end of this guide on how we can start this process.
It's also important to clarify whether the trait for which we received criticism is something we can and want to change, or something we cannot or do not wish to change. Since we likely deeply resonate with the criticism—people usually don't get offended by something they consider completely untrue nonsense—if a piece of criticism emotionally affects us this much, we can be sure that we need to address it.
The question then is, if we cannot change something that has been criticized, can we come to terms with it? Are we able to view it as just one of our many characteristics, or do we always perceive it as the most dominant among all our traits?
If there’s something we could change but for some reason choose not to, it's worth examining the answers to two sets of questions. The first group focuses on our fears related to the outcome of change, and the second deals with the often subconscious positive or negative attachments that cause us to cling to a certain trait, even if it complicates our lives.
If we find ourselves able to change a trait but hesitant to do so, we should ask ourselves the following questions:
“What would happen if I did change this aspect of myself?”
“What am I protecting myself from with this trait?”
Some possible answers include:
In the case of laziness, is it the fear of disappointment from giving my all but still not achieving my dream?
In the case of distrust towards others, is it the fear of being deeply hurt and betrayed by someone?
In the case of being overweight, is it the fear of attracting sexual attention because of past trauma or fear of unwanted pregnancy?
Is it the fear that my weak impulse control, coupled with increased strength, could lead to me becoming dangerous in the case of physical weakness?
Furthermore, we should consider:
“To whom am I showing loyalty with this trait?"
“Who in my family was rejected and possessed precisely this trait?”
Some possible answers:
I am unsuccessful, like my uncle, who always brought me wonderful toys for Christmas and understood me, yet was looked down upon by the entire family for never holding down a job.
I am too lazy to exercise, echoing my grandmother's belief that it's not ladylike to run around and jump.
I give no chance to mathematics because my mother excelled in it as an engineer, and we never got along.
I refuse to dress and behave femininely to avoid being likened to the woman who broke up my parents' marriage.
Whatever the trait we wish to change but find challenging, the starting point is to understand why we are struggling with ourselves. Why don't we change if we are dissatisfied with something, especially when we are capable of change? If, with the help of the above questions, we find the answer, we might also uncover suppressed emotions. Allowing these to surface, feeling them, gives us a better chance of finding the strength needed for change.
However, if it concerns something we cannot change, then acceptance is what remains. This is not always easy, but as promised earlier, here is a quick but very effective exercise that, if practiced regularly, enables us to turn towards ourselves with love.
Sit comfortably and visualize yourself in front of you. Simply stand facing yourself and look into your own eyes. If it helps, imagine standing in front of a mirror and observing your reflection. Once there, experience the wonderful, warming, unconditional love flowing towards you from your imagined self. If done correctly, you will feel warmth in the area around your heart and your abdominal organs relaxing. Recharge for as long as it feels good, as often as it feels good.
This practice, when performed regularly, can effectively transform and deepen our connection with ourselves, significantly improving our self-image. It's an ideal first step towards genuine self-love and also aids us on the journey to reconciling with ourselves.
– Eszter
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